Episode 13 - From Devastated To Blooming

podcast Nov 16, 2022
Do Divorce Right
Episode 13 - From Devastated To Blooming
33:47
 

The Do Divorce Right podcast is dedicated to looking at the many different aspects of divorce,  interviews with women who have their own incredible divorce stories or those who can offer some great advice as you go through yours. Hosted by Becca Maxwell, a divorce coach and relational intelligence consultant, the focus here is to help you to find the strength and support to help you heal, feel lighter and in a better frame of mind to face the inevitable challenges of your divorce journey.

In this episode, Becca interviews Angela Nicole from Bloom Within, who is a Mentor & Empowerment Coach for Tweens, Teens & Women. Empowerment Coaching will help you set boundaries, find your values & achieve your goals so you can THRIVE in your journey rather than just survive.

Listen to Angela who has an inspiring story of marriage through divorce and get to know how she overcame those difficult situations.

You can find Angela at Bloom Within

On Instagram at: @bloom.within

 

Audio Transcript

 

Becca 

Welcome to the do divorce right podcast. I'm your host, Becca Maxwell. And I'm here to help you transition through your divorce with ease and integrity, to not only survive the challenges of your divorce, but to thrive as you come out the other side of it with a much better life than you ever hoped possible. On this show, we talk about many different aspects of divorce, interview women who have their own incredible divorce stories, or those who can offer some great advice as you go through yours. The focus here is to help you find the strength and support to help you feel lighter, happier, more positive, and then a better frame of mind to face the inevitable challenges of your current journey.

Becca 

I'm here today with the beautiful Angela from Bloom Within, Angela works with mums and tweens and young women about, you know, gaining confidence and having great communication and the ability to bloom. But the real reason I've got Angela on today, and I do want to ask you about your work. But the real reason I wanted to interview you today was because I found that your story of coming from a marriage through a divorce out the other side was just something I think my listeners are really gonna resonate with. So Angela, thanks for joining me today.

Angela 

Thank you so much for having me. I'm feeling Yeah. Honored. Oh, good.

Becca 

So rather than hear it from me, would you like to tell us your story about I guess, the the breakup of your marriage and where you were and kind of where you've come to now I can ask questions as you go along.

Angela 

Yeah, absolutely. So I met my husband when I was I think 19, perhaps 19-20. So we were together for 16 years. So yeah, from 20 to 36. I was in a committed relationships. I was married at 22. My children 26 and 29. And then, yeah, 36. The end of 2009. Yeah, I found myself in a situation where my marriage had ended. And yeah, I was devastated. Of course.

Becca 

So just to be just nuclear. We've been wasn't, it wasn't your choice to end the marriage? Or was it untenable? And you chose? No.

Angela 

Okay. No, no, it wasn't my choice. We hadn't been probably, I would say happy for a couple of years. And in hindsight, we, we let those things fester for too long. By the time two years had come when we tried to get help. It was sort of a bit too late. I was still willing to, to really keep going. But yeah, my husband at the time was like, No, I'm not going to do this anymore. Which was really hard because our children was six and eight at the time, and I was very scared. Scared is an understatement. I, I was a person who had never really made a decision on my own. I had never traveled on my own. I'd literally gone from living with my parents straight into living with, you know, my husband, and then sort of getting and I thought that I knew everything. I thought that I knew at all. But looking back, I was just so young. So yeah, all of a sudden detailing everything ripped out from underneath me and having to, you know, how am I gonna raise these children on my own and my husband then husband decided that he we lived in on the border of New South Wales and Victoria, and he decided he was going to move to Queensland, so

Becca 

Wow. So it was really raising the children on your own on your own. It wasn't week on week, or Yeah.

Angela 

Every second weekend was no week on week off. No, every second weekend. Now.

Becca 

He was out. He was done. Yeah. Does he did he have a relationship with the children?

Angela 

Once? Absolutely. Okay. Yes, yeah. No, and he's not, you know, he's not a bad person. And he's not a bad father. It just we got to the end of the road in our our relationship. But, ya know, he, he did maintain, I was very much wanting him to have a relationship with his children. Definitely 100%. So I would send them up to Queensland whenever I could, or he would come down whenever he could in the holidays and things like that. So that was a huge, that was very, very important to me. It still is now. Let's go back to the relationship.

Becca 

Let's go back to the words You used at the end of that marriage, you use devastated. And you're used very scared. Can you tell us a little bit more about I mean, I don't want you to rehash or, or go back a little bit. But I think there is a lot of opportunity for empathy in here. And to kind of revisit the journey that you've gone on. So I guess my question is when you were devastated, what do you think were your biggest worries at that point? What were you most worried about?

Angela 

Sure. Yeah. Yeah, like financial, how was I going to make it work, work? And be at home for my children. And find a place for us to live and pay all the bills, and do all the things. But mainly, the biggest one was financial. How am I going to financially raise my children on my own?

Becca 

Yeah, you don't huge? Yeah, you don't look homeless now. So do you want to tell us a little bit how you did make it work? Or, you know, did it just accumulate over time to get help with the

Angela 

journey, it was a no, hustle, I read, I had, I think, what I now look back, as it was probably my first panic attack, or only panic attack, but it was huge. I remember being in our family home at the time. And my husband had sort of moved out, and it just everything got up, and I just could not breathe. And I just remember just not being able to breathe, and it was the most awful thing. And I remember the kids looking really frightened, you know, as well. And it was just the most intense feeling of just not being able to breathe, and just everything just, I couldn't control anything. And then once I came out of it, I felt like that was my boiling point, you know, when you hit rock bottom, I feel like that was my massive rock bottom. And once I pulled myself back up again, I something just came to me. And I just, I don't know if it was a voice, or if it was something, but I just had this clarity of you get to choose how the story ends. Wow, you're the writer of your own story. You can choose to have a story of, you know, what happened to her? Because she, you know, never picked herself back up again. Or, Wow, look what happened to her. I love

Becca 

that you got there on your own that that epiphany happened without intervention. A lot of people, we need to, we need some advice, or we need some. Whether it's affirmations, we need a sign that we actually get to choose, it doesn't often come as an inner voice. So I'd love that that did for you.

Angela 

And it was really strong. And it was so clear. And I just felt such a safety in that. And I was like, Yeah, I get to choose how

Becca 

beautiful.

Angela 

This is my choice. And so I made a commitment with myself that I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other and I'll never look back. And I won't go back. Because my story is going to be the successful story and not the other way. And that's when I started I picked up Louise Hays book, you can heal your life when I started with my mirror affirmations. And I picked up any book that I could and I decided devouring myself in. I was essentially re parenting myself. Yeah, and then this is another big moment into because I was just so scared. I was just so scared of everything. Still, I didn't. I lost about 10 kilos. I remember I couldn't eat a full meal for eight months, eight months until I was able to finish a meal and eat a meal. Because I just felt so sick. Like the anxiety. It was real. Yeah. Yeah, it was an everyone was sort of, you know, wondering what's what's going on? Because I didn't look well. But I was determined to to sort of push push through that and and come out the other side. But I do remember because we separated about September 2009 2010 New Year's Day, I decided and I don't know where I got this wrong. Again. I think it was just another thing that came to me. I declared that I was having a yes here. A Yes. So if anything a yes, yeah. And to get me through my fear so that anything that came my way if I got asked to do anything or try something new, I'd say yes. So tell us oh gosh. I did everything. I went to the tennis for the first time a friend said, you want to come to the Australian Open? I don't even like tennis. I was like, Yes, I'll go. So I went to the tennis that was great. And I asked to go to shows and concerts and I just said, Yes. And I went and ended up rekindling with a girlfriend from primary school. She found me on Facebook, because that was another thing. I wasn't on Facebook. So I hopped on Facebook. I was like, Yes, I'll just join Facebook Connect. Yeah. And I found my girlfriend from primary school. And she was in Darwin. And she said, we should meet up. And I was like, yes. Wow. So I went to Darwin and met up with her I just any opportunity that came, I said, Yes. To really push myself outside my comfort zone and just try new adventures going on drives because I was the type of person I was too scared to drive out of my hometown on my own in case I got lost. So just saying yes to those things in you know, going on adventures and going for car trips and doing things I would normally think are on our I don't think I could do that.

Becca 

But you were just trying on different skins trying on different lifestyles. I love that I interviewed Fiona Morris, I don't know if you listen to that episode, or if you've heard me talk about her. But she went from a marriage that ended quite abruptly went into bankruptcy very quickly, and then had to build her life up from scratch. And like you she was absolutely devastated. Shocked, taken aback. But like you she decided, I'm just going to try all the things. And she signed up to like classes at the library, and she signed up to gardening things and jigsaw puzzles, whatever, whatever just said yes to all the things. So I love that intention of a yes, day. That's very inspiring. That's very cool. You mentioned there was a second is you mentioned that there was a second moment. So was that that New Year's Day moment that? Yes, that what you were ever giving myself? A Yes, yeah. Yeah, beautiful. And we had agreed for me and the children to stay in the family home for two years before we sold,

Angela 

just so that we had sort of somewhere to go. And I had just recently started a new job just before we separated. And my boss was very supportive. And she was sort of building a new home on the same block, but just around the corner. And so I think towards the end of that year, perhaps the house was almost going to be ready. And she said, did you want to rent it? And I was just like, Yes, I do. Because I didn't know where I was going afterwards. And I thought that way, we're still on the same block. Yeah, the kids aren't interrupted with the school bus. The neighborhood really, yeah, anything. And so I decided to put the house on the market earlier. And it was a bad time in the market. But I was so confident I was really gaining my confidence. And it ended up I had people fighting over on the first open house and it went well above what it was meant to go above it is an incredible time was saying, you know, this is a really silly idea. You shouldn't be doing this. And I was really gaining my confidence in myself to say, I get to choose now. I get to choose what happens. And when it happens. And I trust myself, and I'm doing this. And and that was a really, that was another really big moment for me into trusting that. Yeah, so I just but that that Yes. Yeah, starting with that. Yes. Yeah. helped me build momentum and helped me build my confidence to then be able to make some big decisions. Okay. I don't think I could have gone from nothing straight to that.

Becca 

No. And I think I heard there was something in between what I'm, what I was hearing was from the panic attack to get into the Yes, year was very much just one step at a time. Just arriving one year. At

Angela 

at the start. It was one minute at a time. Wow. When it was really bad. It was one minute and then it was 10 minutes. And then it was let's just get through the next hour. Let's just get through the next half a day. Like yeah, when it was bad. It was literally minute by minute. And then the the increments would increase to Okay. Let's get through a full day. Let's get through a full week. So definitely very small increments.

Becca 

Yeah, beautiful. So tell us then you had a yes year, things began to get stabilized. So you know, the obviously the marriage never came back together. Again. You're in one part of the country, your ex husband's in another part of the country. When were you able to I look back on this journey and think, Gosh, I think I've done it. I've survived the worst of it. Did that ever? Did that moment ever come to you and think I'm having now I'm gonna be okay. Yeah, why now?

Angela 

Probably just now. I think because it's really challenging. raising your kids on your own. It's just, and they're, they're 22, my son's 22 And my daughter's 19. And they just incredible.

Becca 

And doesn't surprise me at all that they're beautiful human beings. If I know you at all, Angela, I know that you would raise beautiful human beings.

Angela 

That doesn't surprise me. Yeah, thank you. But when you when you're on on the road, and you just don't know, of course, you're just holding on going. I don't know if this is the right thing to do. I don't know if that's the right thing to do. And when you're doing the teenage years on your own, and you're just holding on for dear life, and you're just literally going, I don't even know how this one's gonna come out the other side. And I feel like, yeah, just just this year, I've really been able to step back and look at my kids and go, Wow, I did do a good job. And I was doing a good job. But I think it's very easy to, for us to not think that we're doing enough being enough in in raising our children that are too hard.

Becca 

There's no metal for parenting. And yet, I think they should be just given out like willy nilly for all of the decisions that we need to make on a regular basis. Nobody gets it right. You know, nobody does. It's so hard. And we should be rewarded more often. And I am going to spoil the surprise a little bit. You've remarried. Recently, right last year? Yeah. Do you want to tell us a little bit about the journey? Devastation to wonderful love?

Angela 

Yeah. So I knew that I needed to be on my own for two years. I was just like, I need two years to just undo everything, find out who I am, finally, make a decision to save myself. And I needed to learn what do I like, what do I want, I didn't even know. So I was like, I just need two years. And I was very adamant at the person I met, but also be by themselves two years, at least, just to go through that stuff. And I was very much element as well that my partner would have a good relationship with his ex. And I didn't want to be around anyone who had a bad relationship, or who talked badly about them, or that there was all this toxicity. And I just wanted none of that. Because I wanted a really harmonious relationship with my ex and my future partners, ex for all of us to just be harmonious. So I was, yeah, very clear in what I wanted. And I just went on my journey. In doing, I just remember thinking one of the first things I thought of, when we separated, I'd had a big dream of mine to take my kids to America, when they were 10 and 12. And I remember, when we separated thinking, we're never gonna get to go to America. I found out I'll never get to do that by myself. I was devastated. And I thought, I'm never gonna be able to buy a house on my own car on my own,

Becca 

that we have degree, the expectations of the future that we were going to have enough to say goodbye to it bit by bit it. 

Angela 

It is really hard. Yeah. And I was just so scared. And then when I sold the home, and it sold for more, I had a little bit of work a little bit of extra money. And the my boss who I worked for, she was great in empowering me to make decisions and do things on my own. And I was talking to her that, you know, I would have loved her take the kids to America. And she said, Well, why don't you? And I was like, I don't think I could do that. If she's like this. You can. Of course you can do it all by yourself. So I did. I took them on a pre trip to Bali first with some friends. Because they asked me did I want to go? And I was like, Yes, sure. Yes. And I knew that once I really Yeah, well, oh, I continued the yeses. But I knew that once I invested in a house again because we were renting at the time. I knew that I invested if I invested again, that I would be back to probably say no again back to being on a budget. So I had this small window of opportunity where I thought I'm I'm going to travel with my kids with out there, man, because I need to do that. I need to know that I can't do that. So yeah, I took them to Bali on a holiday. And then I took them to America for three weeks alone,

Becca 

whereabouts in the states to do is

Angela 

we flew into LA and stayed in Santa Monica and did the Venice Beach and all that fun stuff. And then we did Disneyland. And Universal Studios. Yeah. And then we flew over to New York and did New York. And then we flew to Vegas and did Vegas of Grand Canyon. It was just, it was so amazing. And then when we we flew back in Christmas Day, actually. So that was a beautiful, beautiful time to be over there at Christmas time. And then I think the next year after that I saw signed up for life coaching course. And that was a 12 month course. So I did that for 12 months, and really gained more and more confidence in myself, and then decided that it was time to find a house and time to buy a house by myself, because I can do it. So I did.

Becca 

And then I just cause let's just pause that for a moment, even the trip to the US level on the buying the house. When you have your marriage has come to an end, and it's all you've ever known. And you're in a panic, not sure how you're going to be able to pay the bills, the idea that you could manage physically, let alone financially, to travel with two children for three weeks in the States, and then be able to make some decisions around purchasing a home and building your life back up again. It's isn't it an incredible journey, you've gone from somewhere where that just

Becca 

presumably felt like it was not going to be an option that was looked like that was off the slate for you. And then in a span of ultimately a few short two years. Yeah. Wow.

Angela 

Yeah. Well, it was 2010. And then 2000 entity that hasn't 12 I took them to America. 2013 I bought the house. Entity those September 2013. I think we bought the house.

Becca 

Yeah. So. So it can happen. It does happen.

Angela 

Absolutely. And the life coaching course really helped me because it was a 12 month period. So we were I was pretty much in a life coaching environment. We were being coached all the time. And so just to have that check in every week, and that backup and that belief, and, and being that that's what really took me to the next step. I don't think I would have done all of that. So quickly without that

Becca 

beautiful, just incredible investment ourselves. Yeah.

Angela 

And then all of a sudden, it's 2014. And I thought, oh, gosh, I said I'd only be by myself for two years. No 2014. So 2015, I realized that I'd gone back to saying no, to say no to everything, especially when it came to relationships. No. Okay, so I was talking to my girlfriend, and she said, If you keep saying no, you're never gonna find anyone. And I went, yeah. So I agreed, again, that I have to say yes. Anytime somebody asked me out, because I was just saying no, all the time. Because I was scared. And I was just finding my feet. And I was really, I wanted to get to a place but I was single and whole and I didn't need someone. Yeah. And so that became very important to me. I was like, I want to get to that place where I'm very comfortable. And I don't need someone. They're an added addition. And there are beautiful cherry on top. But I am single and whole by myself. I'm not complete. A man doesn't complete me. I complete me that was my journey. And I felt like I'd got to that spot. The 2015 I was really happy. And I thought okay, I'll just stop saying yes. And I funnily enough my now husband we met back at the end of 2011 So I was almost two years

Becca 

Oh wow. Through universe was knocking on your door and you weren't ready. That's so interesting. You sent your signal out you sent your order

Angela 

Yeah, and I I had a lot more work to do even I was coming out two years, I still had a lot more work to do. And he was only like six months or something. So I was just like a big no, you're not not You're not the two years that I need. And so we sort of remained friends. And then sort of when I said but we would People tried to set us up, but I wasn't really interested. And we would see we would run into each other. And he would often say, We've never caught up for that coffee. And I decided, no, we know if I go again. And then. So that happened quite a few times. And then after I'd made a commitment to say, yes, we ran into each other. And Aldi was like, Oh, I've seen you know, I've been following you on Facebook. And it looks amazing, all the stuff that you've done. And he said, we still haven't caught up for that coffee. And I said, No, we haven't any said we should. And I was like, I have to say yes. I said, Yes. That week, I think actually said yes, like three times. Because I just had to say yes. So we had a coffee, I think the next week, and we've been together

Becca 

since beautiful. Oh, Angela, that's so gorgeous. I love. I love that there's so much intention about every element here, you intended to have a relationship with your ex husband. That was amicable. You intended to have an engaged co parent, you intended to have time to rediscover yourself and know that you didn't need anybody else that you got you, you know, intended to become self sufficient, again, in terms of financially getting.

Becca 

Well, I don't know what words to put that. But you intended to gain your confidence and you started trusting yourself again, all of that is so gorgeous. Can I ask you about the work that you do now? Because I think that's beautiful. And and has that changed along the way? Were you always doing the work you do? Now? Let's talk about that.

Angela 

Yeah, so I started out, once I learned that it was my job to love myself and not somebody else's. That was an epiphany. Because I grew up thinking that was somebody else's job to love me. And so of course, if my marriage fails, then I'm must be completely unlovable. And then who's going to love me now? And so once it's

Becca 

especially with two children, it's baggage as well, right? You start feeling really unlovable the thing?

Angela 

Yeah. And I had to start doing mirror affirmations, you know, looking at myself in the mirror and saying, I love you. And that was just so far, and I just, this is awful. But I kept doing it. And I kept gaining confidence and building my self esteem and believing in myself. And realizing that it's very hard to love someone who doesn't love themselves. It's almost impossible to love someone that doesn't love themselves. Do you actually have to love yourself before you can allow someone else to love you? And my mind is that? Why aren't we taught that? Yeah. Why is this not taught in school? Why is this not taught in relationships? Why do we think that the be all and end all is that other person loving us? And I just wanted to spread that message as far and wide as I could until I started working with women teaching that, and then it naturally lead into, you know, teams, because I thought, gosh, if I'd been told this as a teenager, how different would my life have been? And then it naturally just flowed into tweens as well. So it wasn't working with the tweens and teens wasn't somewhere something that I sort of had planned. It just evolved that way. But I am very, very passionate about teaching women and mothers how to love themselves. Because if, if we do it, we naturally show our children how to do it. Yeah. Okay, you're watching.

Becca 

How do people work with you? And what does that look like?

Angela 

So the tween program that I have online, there's a self study option, or there's a live option, where I do weekly coaching, as well. So there's with the moms and their children. Is it girls specifically? Yes, girls, yeah, moms and their daughters or just the daughters, just with the daughters at the moment, but I'm really feeling a calling of working with women very, very strongly. So next year, I think, as part of the program, there will be the mothers element as well, because I just, it's yeah, very, very strong in me. So there's that but then you could also work with me one on one as well. So I do do one on one sessions with women, and one on ones with teens as well. But the tweens have their have their program.

Becca 

Okay, tell me how I put it in the show notes. But why don't you let us know how people can find you.

Angela 

So I'm on Facebook @Bloom Within and then Instagram @bloom.within and also my website www.bloomwithin.com.au

Becca 

Bloom Within, I love it. Is there anything that I've missed from your story? I think there's so much in here that will resonate, I really do. We've spoken about, you know, the devastation of the end of your marriage and the steps that you took and the intentions that you made, and you've come out the other side, you're now married to a wonderful man, your children are adults, is there anything that you would want to a message you might want to pass on to somebody who is currently where you know, you've been.

 

Angela 

I just want every woman to know that she's now exactly how she is. And it doesn't matter if you are in a relationship or out of a relationship. Self Love is the best kind of love. I've made T shirts that say that I've made jumpers that say that, because Self Love is the best kind of love. And even though it might feel devastating and horrible, and you feel like you're never gonna get through, and there's no light at the end of the tunnel. If you can start just putting one foot in front of the other and make an absolute commitment to yourself that you are worthy and that you are enough and that you will love yourself. Everything else will fall into place. 100% Guaranteed. And you will teach your child if you don't want to do it for you. I often say this women are like, it's so hard, I can't do it. And I was like, Yeah, but you want me to teach your daughter how to do it. I can do that. But she's watching you. So if you don't want to do it for you, please do it for your daughter. Fake it till you make it. Start loving yourself, start talking about yourself in a really positive way. Delete all the negative, don't let that negative stuff come out of your mouth in front of your children about yourself. Because they take that as their internal dialogue. And so if you don't want to, if you find it hard to do it for yourself, do it for your children, because as women, we're selfless, we'll do anything for our kids. So start leveling yourself, for your kids. And then they will naturally take on that as well. And they will love themselves. And that's the best gift you can give anyone.

 

Becca 

Yeah. And then it's almost like the children are the they might be the conduit to the to make you start. But actually the benefit comes back to you figure out who you are. You genuinely end up liking yourself, you genuinely end up loving yourself. So you started out doing it for somebody else to model it. But then it actually works. It's beautiful.

 

Angela 

And then when you see your kids confident, and your kids standing up for themselves and your kids being authentic. It just it's belief. Yeah. So,

 

Becca 

Angela, thank you so much for your time. I think you're a gorgeous human being. And I really am delighted to share your story.

 

Angela 

Thank you. Thank you so much for having me and allowing me to look back on the last what are we 1212 years I think it is maybe

 

Becca 

coming up to 13 years. Yeah. All right. Thanks, Angela.

 

Becca 

Thanks for listening. I hope you took something of value out of this episode. I'm your host Becca Maxwell. And you can find me on the web at dodivorceright.com on Instagram @dodivorceright. I look forward to connecting with you there.

 

SUBSCRIBE NOW
SUBSCRIBE NOW

Stay connected with news and updates!

Join our mailing list to receive the latest news and updates from our team.
Don't worry, your information will not be shared.

We hate SPAM. We will never sell your information, for any reason.