Episode 17 - A Christmas Divorce Story, With Angela Henderson

podcast Dec 13, 2022
Do Divorce Right
Episode 17 - A Christmas Divorce Story, With Angela Henderson
39:18
 

In this episode, Becca interviews Angela Henderson who is an author, entrepreneur, small business owner, speaker, blogger, mental health clinician of 15+ years and also a mother of two. Angela has a relatable divorce story that you will find really interesting.

Learn how Angela overcame all of the challenges, accomplished so much in her life, and learn how she became an award winning business coach by listening to this episode.

Listen to an inspiring podcast episode by Angela Henderson on “Finding Love Again After 20 Years and The Ripple Effect It's Had in Life & Business”.

You can find Angela at www.angelahenderson.com.au

On Instagram @angelahendersonconsulting

 

Audio Transcript

 

Becca 

Welcome to the Do Divorce Right podcast. I'm your host Becca Maxwell, and I'm here to help you transition through your divorce with ease and integrity, to not only survive the challenges of your divorce, but to thrive as you come out the other side of it with a much better life than you ever hoped possible. On this show, we talk about many different aspects of divorce, interview women who have their own incredible divorce stories, or those who can offer some great advice as you go through yours. The focus here is to help you find the strength and support to help you feel lighter, happier, more positive, and then a better frame of mind to face the inevitable challenges of your current journey. Alright, today I'm very, very excited to be talking to Angela Henderson, who is an award winning business coach and author, entrepreneur podcaster mom of two, mental health advocate and professional in this space and manner set manifesting mother flopper and a recent divorcee with a super relatable story just just for context and is Canadian, she swears quite a lot. So if you have a little ears near you, as you're listening to this episode, you might want to find some headphones before we get into it. Welcome.

Angela  

Hey, it was so good to be here and I do love the caveat on that because there are things that fly out of my mouth at times I don't necessarily mean to but they do drop so yes, I appreciate that.  That's all good with me. Love it.

Becca  

You're so accomplished. It's really hard to know where to start in this conversation. Obviously we're on the do divorce right podcast. So we're going to be talking about your marriage, your separation & divorce, and the fact that you've gone on to find love again. But it was there anything in my introduction of you that I might have missed because you have just done so much. 

Angela 

Gosh, no, I mean, I think you pretty much summed it up. I mean, things that people don't know is I love Nutella. I eat that s… straight from the jar. I love the color pink, but I love pink add a splash of glitter to that. And yes, I'm a proud Canadian. I mean, life is pretty good.

Becca 

And that's pretty good. You're now in Australia, right? You're in Queensland. 

Angela 

Yes. I've been in Australia going on 17 years next year. So I've been here for a while now. So yes.

Becca 

Incredible. Does that have anything to do with your marriage then? Is he Australian?

Angela 

Yes. So my ex, he's from Tasmania. So yes. And so that was ... originally I did my master's degree back here in 2002. And then I went back to North Carolina, where my ex came back to North Carolina with me. So even though I'm from Canada, I did my undergrad in high school in Albuquerque, New Mexico. So I went back to the US did my clinical prac. And then we came back to Australia. So yes,

Becca 

amazing. And did you practice here in Australia, when you came back? What were you, what was your education?

Angela 

So I've got an undergrad in psychology and sociology and a master's in social work, but the way it works in Australia, even though my master's degree is from Australia, they screw international people. That's a whole other story for another day, because I didn't actually think we were ever coming back. But then we did come back. And so I had to get lawyers involved. It was a big mess with one of the universities. But that's a whole other story for another day. So I am able to still do work in Australia, but I can't do what I was doing in America. So in America, I would do clinical diagnostic assessments on adults and children. And I would diagnose people ranging from depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, autism, etc, based on my credentials. However, in order to do that, in Australia, the rules are very different. So I still worked in mental health, the clinical teams and the non government teams as like the kind of person in between. I work closely with our mental health units. I also work with high-secure, medium-secure clients, etc. So I was able to continue to use my clinical skills, but I wasn't able to diagnose people in Australia.

Becca 

And how did you get into business coaching?

Angela 

Yeah, I mean, it just I had, my son was nine months old at the time, and we were just playing with toys on the ground. And I remember looking at all these toys, and they were great toys, but they were all battery operated that had been given to us from friends and family. And I'm all about battery operated. My kids use iPads too, but I just looked down I was like, there's gotta be another way for fine motor skill development, you know, gross motor skill, fine motor skill, color recognition, and a way for parents to connect too. So I went looking for other toys that allowed for these students in properties, I guess, to take place. And that's when I started Finley and me. So we started one of Australia's leading toy stores at the end, we had over 1400 different products and ultimately, it was about creating childhood memories through play, love and travel. So yes, and now that store wrapped up after about seven years, and then I now specifically work with women and business around the world, helping them to make more money,

Becca 

and grow their businesses, and I love that!

Tell us a little bit more than about your marriage journey. How you met your husband, when you met him, you move to Australia together. The little bits that I know about this story is that you took a very positive choice when you made the decision that this wasn't working for you. But perhaps if we back up a little bit you can tell us well, how did you get together? What was the marriage like, and then getting to that point of making a different choice for yourself?

Angela 

So yeah, so um, when I was doing my undergrad in Albuquerque, New Mexico at the time, during our summer, so June, July, and August, and Australia, an American based company would bring the Americans over to Australia, Fiji, New Zealand, etc. And so I actually did that trip right out of high school. And then I went on for a few years after that to live in Fiji and Australia during those June, July, August months, which is great. And my ex husband also worked for the same company. So we actually met back in 1999, I think it was when we were really, really young. And then we didn't see each other. And then when I went back to America, after that summer, he happened to be in Ohio, and I just happened to be in Ohio one time. We didn't see each other again until I came over and did my master's degree. And I remember just sending him a text message and was like, "Hey, where are you?", He's like, "I'm at the Gold Coast". I was like, "Sweet, I now am in Brisbane for the next 18 months, you want to hang out?". And then we met at the Hard Rock Cafe at the Gold Coast. And then we had been together ever since. So really from 2000. And we've known each other since 1999. But we didn't start dating until 2002.

Becca 

And you went on to get married and have two gorgeous children.

Angela 

That's correct. So yeah, so two little delightful souls Finley, who is 13 and Chloe, who's nine. But yes, as I mean, obviously, we were young when we married, I think I was 24 at that stage before yeah, 23 actually, when we got married. So obviously, listen, you see things from a different lens, right? and your end in the lens that you're looking at is based on what's presented in front of you. And so I don't think there's a wrong way or a right way. But I think what happens is as a woman, and then as a woman with kids, and then a woman with businesses that I was running, I think at some stage in our womanhood, whatever you want to call it is that we start to lose ourselves.

And then something happens.

And in my instance, I lost my grandmother on Christmas Day, my brother on Mother's Day, a father type figure on New Year's Day, a friend from WA two weeks after that, and just recently another friend from high school. So in the last three years, I've lost five pretty significant people in my world. And so I remember about two and a half years ago, and the marriage was kind of probably wobbly as it was even before then. But then you had a mixture of kind of looking at everything from like these, the lens of death and

Becca

Life is finite

Angela

Yeah. And then you also had the COVID stuff that was just starting to kind of rear its head. And so then I was like, I remember asking myself this question. "If I if I was on my deathbed, tomorrow, what would I regret?". And I said, "I would regret not getting a British Bulldog" - which I now have! who is great, and "I will regret remaining married".

And it was then I knew that things had to change. But then COVID started to ramp up. And you can look at every excuse in the book. But it was hard to leave at that particular stage. Because of all the restrictions that was going on, trying to look at, I even thought of like looking at a rental property and you couldn't go out of your house and you couldn't do this, everything felt really hard. And I'm really a believer that you can do hard things. But things should also be easy and as light as possible. We also don't have family around. So it's Dale and I.

So I was also very mindful that we still needed to support each other through this, do you know what I mean, whatever was happening. But then COVID obviously came and I'm a firm believer that it is our responsibility to take responsibility of our own life, nobody is coming to save us.

And I also speak a lot of times with my clients and with my friends, whatever you are not changing, you are ultimately the one choosing not to change.

And so I remember waking up at Christmas Day last year, and I kind of already didn't want to go into 2022 with the marriage, but it was kind of like, eeeh.. and he just did one kind of final straw thing where I started to cry on Christmas Day.

My son thought it was his fault. It had nothing to do with him. And I remember going into the bathroom. And I was just like I looked in the mirror and I said, "Angela, this is it. We're not doing this". And I remember walking out on Christmas day and I was like "You've got till March to go".

And so is necessarily .. would I have done it differently?, maybe .. but I also believe things happen the way they're supposed to happen. So it was Yeah, Christmas Day last year that I was like, "hey, you know, no, we are, we're done".

And listen, I had talked about it a couple times before, you know whether you're in the heat of the moment, right? And so I think because I had said it a couple of times throughout 20 years, I think he thought "oh she's just you know, I mean it Christmas. It's emotional. She's not with her Family". And then January came. And he was like, and I was like, "you've got a few months left to find a place".

And then I think the penny kind of dropped, right? So yeah, so that was kind of it. And I just, I knew going into 2022, I just didn't want that on my shoulders anymore.

And so I had to take responsibility, because here I was living that pretty much 80% of my life, whatever, you're not changing you're choosing, but I wasn't living that in my marriage. And I thought, you know, if, if I died tomorrow, I would die regretting that also because I'm not role modeling to my kids that, you know, things can change, people can expire, it doesn't mean you have to like them any less. It doesn't mean that you have to be mean, but we expired and I, you know, my lens and how I see life and how I see the world is very different to 23 year old Angela

Becca 

Let me ask you a couple of things there: First of all, you mentioned on Christmas day that said, I'm done. And that you have until March to move out, was there a discussion about well, who would keep the home who would move where? Or where, you know,

Angela 

There was no discussion! I was pretty much "this is how it's gonna be". So he

Becca 

He didn't fight you on that, he didn't want to disagree?

Angela 

No. And so I think what I need to caveat very clearly is that I understand that there are women who might be listening who have had to go through domestic violence, or their partners potentially have had an affair, or they're leaving partners who are potentially alcoholic and or addicted to say cannabis or cocaine or whatever

Becca

or gambling

Angela

100%. And so I'm very aware that in many ways, when I tell my story, this can trigger people, because what we're probably going to talk about is, you know, I mean, how my husband lives, my ex lives, 20 seconds from my front door, and Jimmy things like that we're very, he's coming over for Christmas, today, we're very amicable, right? Doesn't mean that we don't get heated about a few things still, but I believe we get along better now than we ever have before. And I see the kids see that too. But I'm also not dealing with an affair where then I have to go through the grieving process of the loss of the marriage, but the also loss of like, of the relationship in a very different way. And another different lens, I'm, I'm not someone who is having to worry about if I'm going to get hit or beaten or close didn't mean all those things, right. So I when I share my story, I know it's hard because, you know, to the outside people, it's been a very simple transition for literally the most part, you know, of this separation.

Becca 

Well, that's super respectful of you. However, I still think you've got an opportunity for your own space to grieve, it's not that you didn't, right? your marriage was how long? 23 years long. So you would have had to process that the breakdown of that marriage. So your grief, while it'd be very, very different to everybody else's circumstances, and I think it's very respectful of you and very sweet of you to acknowledge that, there's still space for Ange to have not gotten what 23 year old Ange wanted

Angela 

100%. But I also think, because the marriage was on the rocks for so long, that the grieving process started years ago. 

Becca 

For SO many women at does almost the healthiest way, isn't it while you're in the marriage, you're separating yourself from those expectations, you're able to do a lot of that grieving and yeah, so tell me, what did that look like for you?

What do you remember about having to let go or forgive or grieve?

Angela 

Yeah, I mean, I think a lot of it was about just boundaries and being able to put my own oxygen mask on first versus, you know, like wondering what this I also think, for a lot of the marriage I overcompensated for the relationship between him and the kids, too, right? Like, if he didn't want to go do something as he wanted to sit on the couch on the Saturday, I'd be like, Okay, let's go and do it. Right. So for me is I probably had to grieve more the loss of my own identity and grieve the anger that was associated with like, "Oh, my goodness, how did I let this go on for so long?", right? Like, because when you get a taste of the other side, you're like, oh, my gosh, fuck me, right? There. I almost think there's a loss and a grief of all those years that could have been different. However, I work with healers and hypnotherapist and a whole bunch of people. And I believe that again, that this is exactly the path that had to go is I can sit here and say, What if /could have /should have /would have but it doesn't matter. You know, because this is how it was supposed to be. I believe I say often to my clients, you're right on time. This marriage was right on time. My two kids were right on time. Getting the five deaths in my family? right on time. COVID? Right on time. And so again, it's about how we look at these things versus being a hinderance versus opportunity. So even though you can do hard things And even though the grief was there, the reality of it is, is there's so much more in life. And there's so many opportunities, if you choose to look at it from a lens of opportunity,

Becca 

It can take time to get there. So for anybody listening who's thinking, this is a shitshow, I don't know how I'm going to survive this, there's there's no gift or opportunity in this, it can take a while. And I'm sure that gift, that opportunity will reveal itself. It's just not always possible to see it when you're in it. 

Angela 

I think the opportunities, I think people sometimes look at things. But opportunities have to be big, like finding someone new, right, or whatever. But to me is, there's opportunities in every single day. There's opportunities that you get to wake up and feel a different energy in your bed, because you're not walking on eggshells, there's an energy that you don't have to now

Becca 

compromise what you're having for meals.

Angela 

Exactly right. You don't have to worry, like you don't have to walk out to the kitchen. And one of my pet peeves is I'm like just put the stuff in the recycling, but he would always leave it on the counter, right. And that's like, you know, like, when you would walk out in the morning, you'd already be triggered, right?

And so to me, the opportunities, regardless of where you're at can be some of the smallest of things versus these grandiose things that I think we see in the movies and things that are actually not..that can come, but it's with time, you know, going for a walk, and just looking at your surroundings and being in the fresh air and moving your body again, like I had it ..  because I was in such a low, I had stopped really even caring about what I look like because I was just like, Ah, alright, well, you know, whatever. Whereas now I've lost, you know, just about 25 pounds in the last year because you find a different energy. So I'll just say is read be mindful of what opportunity looks like and define opportunity for you. Versus just like these big opportunities, because they'll come but they'll come in their own time, right?

Becca 

That's right. I love that, oh my gosh, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna wrap that up, somehow we're going to we're going to put that out into the social sphere a bit more about finding those smaller opportunities, I talk to my clients about creating new traditions. Because you know, you're, you're now you have a different family unit now. So you get to decide what those traditions look like. And there's so much kind of fun and lovely brainstorming that we get to do around that space. But even I love this idea of finding daily opportunities, not just the big stuff. 

Angela 

In regards to traditions is outside though, too is Don't look for new but don't be afraid to hang on to old. So for example, is Dale. I mean, he lives 20 seconds from our front door, which is I can touch upon that in a minute. But I mean, he's coming over to do Christmas, just like we always have, in fact, he might even spend the night that night, right, so that he's here for quote, unquote, Santa in the morning. So and then he's coming for Christmas lunch, where I'll make his favorite things like we used to, we'll do the Christmas crackers, all of that is still going to be the same. And so don't be afraid to also know that some, that you can keep some traditions also.

Becca 

Yeah. So let's talk about that. Dale's 20 seconds away. Tell me the pros and cons of.. well, first, how did that happen? Was it intentional? and how grown up to the two of you need to be to be able to tolerate somebody that you don't want someone in your space but is still very much in your space.

Angela 

I mean, yeah, I mean, Dale still comes over to use the washing machine. I mean, I'll talk more about that in a minute. Right. But that's a whole nother sorry. But But yeah, I mean, listen, is I wanted us because we don't have family in Brisbane, I wanted us I always had put up to the universe that I've wanted us to be relatively close. Now. I kept asking Dale like, Hey, have you found your property yet? And he's like, nope, nope, nope. And I was like, in my head. "This is typical Dale, he waits to the last minute, I always have to come in and save him, whatever". But I also knew that if this is going to happen, I needed to probably just like.. still. There's like one last hurrah. Just go and find the f… property and fill up the application, get it going, and know that this is the last time you have to do this, right?

So Dale, he hadn't found anything. I then met with my healer on a Friday. And she said again, whether or not you believe in spirituality or healing, whatever. But the healer said, just to let you know, the Spirit guides are saying that the kids will be a bike ride away from you and your soon to be ex. That was on Friday. Sunday morning, I woke up and I just happened to pull up my phone and looked at realestate.com I then searched for suburb and the townhouse that sits on the fence line from my house was available. And so I messaged Dale and I was he was at work that day. And so I messaged him I was like, hey, there's a property on the other line. I said what's the like, what's the like, have you looked at this? And he's like, No. And what he said was - is in fairness, what I make an hour is what Dale makes in a week with my business - so my question was is this financial? And he said, Yes. I said, I will pay the difference to make sure you and the kids have a nice place to live. I said, there's no questions asked. So I actually pay the difference in that rent every single week in order for that to, do you know what I mean, to happen. And so yeah, and then I fill out the application. I did all of that he got approved. I also gave him $10,000 on my One GE credit card to kit up the entire place. He pays that back $50 a week because again, I genuinely was not here to fuck him over in any way. And I don't believe he's here to fuck me over in anyway, then we could demand get nitty gritty, but we don't. And so yeah, we found them as property pros are that like, listen, the kids can forget their swimmers at my house, and they can run over there and you're not having drive up and down a freeway to get each other's things. Other like, again, I think it comforts the kids to be honest that kids get to still play in the cul de sac with their friends. I think the kids like knowing that they can look out the window like, like kitty corner to where we're at. I like that.. look he doesn't have a pool so the kids will come over and swim in my pool. Right? So listen, there's a lot of pros there.

The cons, I would say is that we at times, like for example, when I started dating Al again it was like, Oh, hey - do you know what I mean - you can't come over? And had to kind of explain that right? So they're having to reestablish some other boundaries. The one thing he didn't get when we were kitting out his property was the washing machine and dryer. And so to date, he's still coming over every Saturday to do his laundry, but that boundary is in place that next year, he needs to have his own washing machine. That's

Becca 

haha, "look what you got for Christmas!"

Angela 

But listen, like ultimately, you know, I know when my ... it was a con from my partner, he was like, great. So you can your husband can just know that you're f… the new man next door. That's great, do you know what I mean? 

I mean, so there was a little bit of having to also deal with that transition to be like, listen, it is what it is. And my new partner having to be okay with that. Because like, I can't control his feelings. You're either okay with it or not. But this is what works for me, Dale, and I, my kids will always come first at this stage. So if you're not happy with it leave. Like I don't really care.

You know, like, I would say it would be sad, but it's like, at the end of the day, I can't be responsible for someone else's feelings. This is how it is. But yeah, I would also say the cons - though it's not a con really anymore - but it was like, society doesn't cope well with when they hear this story. A lot of times friends and family were like, Well, why do you even get divorced? Isn't it weird

Becca 

Tell me more about that. Why would people not deal well with this? What do they listen like about your situation?

Angela 

What I think is that in society collectively, people like to see things hard. Because this is like this is through working with people from a mental health perspective, this is sort of doing healing this is doing through hypnotherapy, a variety of things, your subconscious brain makes up 97% of your overall decisions. And depending on environmental, what you're growing up with, etc, will influence how you react or don't react. And I think a lot of other people at times who have made those comments actually want out of their own marriage. So therefore, their own coping mechanisms, or their defence mechanisms come up, and they can be quite passive aggressive, they can be like quite hurtful, etc. And so I've just had to detach from other people's comments of other people's projections as to how divorce or separation should be. Because there's not a lot. Well, I don't know, anyone who's been in a similar situation to me, right? Like, I really don't, 

Becca 

I've got a couple Ange, there's a great episode with Sam, I'll send you the link.

Angela 

Yes, absolutely. That's great, because and so sometimes you then feel like, Oh, am I the odd like, should we not do the mean live? So close together? Is this a problem? So it's like, it isn't. But you start the chatter starts to come in, because you're like, well, there's no one there's minimal, I guess, you would say that you've got a couple of people, but you don't really know other people. So the people who I know who've gone through divorce,

Becca

..hate each other..

Angela

I would say nine out of 10 people literally want to stab f… each other, they hate each other. They're making the kids get put in the middle, they're abusive to each other. They're screaming, they're fighting over money, you know, etcetera, etc, where

Becca 

That's exactly why I do what I do - to stop that from happening. I want there to be role models of positive divorce stories. I want this to be celebrated. I want it to be the norm, given that so many marriages, and we don't need to think of that as a failure of a marriage. We can just think of it as a new stage of co parenting or a new stage of that relationship. And you're doing a great job role modelling that it can be done

Angela 

Thank you. You know, when you asked me to be on the show I'm like, yes! because I want to show society that there's a different way. But I also want to show women that are maybe sitting on the fence or not too sure about whether or not it's time for divorce, whatever I was at, like, at the end of the day, I because I've worked so much like with women I'm like "stop f… b… about your life. Literally, please stop f… b…."

It is a miracle that any of us wake up still breathing every single day. And so my thing is, is just like people, women. - because that's who I work with - take responsibility. Nobody's coming to save you, your mom's not coming to save you. Your dad isn't. God, if you believe in God, is not gonna. No man or woman, whatever do you mean, whatever team you bat for whatever it doesn't, it isn't. And so if you're waking up every morning, and things aren't, you know, your bank account doesn't look a certain way, or your relationship doesn't look a certain way, you know, change it!

Because what ultimately will happen is it will lead to stress, it starts off with stress, and then goes to burnout. And then it goes to a full blown mental health diagnosis. So when I start hearing people going on, say, on a scale of one to 10, how burnt out you are, and they'll think of the traditional burned down like exhausted, whatever, which is part of it. Yeah, that's I'm an I'm a nine, I'm a 10. I'm like, Okay, well, then really what that saying is, you're not in alignment. You're either not in alignment with yourself. And you're either not aligned at home, you're not aligned with your career or business or you're not aligned in the community.

And it's the same three core care three core pillars that I have to assess before I would diagnose someone with a mental health diagnosis. It has to be impacting all three areas of your life. So for me, it was when people would say, I'm not aligned in this marriage anymore. Or I'm burnt out. My first thing was is "Why am I feeling burnt out?"

I'm like, it's the marriage. It feels hard. It feels heavy. I'm exhausted, even like, you know, thinking about having to watch a movie with him. I'm like, Oh, my God, this is horrible. Oh, let's go on separate holidays, whatever. So if you're burnt out right now, my question to you is, where are you unaligned in your life, business or community? 

And I promise you that when you realign one part of your life, other parts will naturally start to realign from an energetic perspective. And it's no coincidence that when Dale left in March, that it was my highest revenue month in my business. It's no coincidence. And so what I'm saying is again,

Becca 

Right, you would have been bringing such different energy to your business

Angela 

100%, because you're shedding the old and making space for the new. So a lot of times we have to trust, trust ourselves and understand that we can all do hard things, but it will be okay on the other end.

Becca 

It is scary. That is scary. You mentioned earlier because you had no family you wanted to remain relatively close. Would you say that that was an intention that you've set for yourself? Or did you have any specific intentions through separation?

Angela 

Yeah, I mean, it's funny, I had intentions around what the divorce would look like. And I equally had intentions a lot about the new person that I would meet and all those intentions basically came true. So look at intentions and manifesting. And those are part of the process. But you still have to take action, because it's not going to happen. So when that opportunity was presented to me that there was a property on our fence line. I - do you know what I mean - had written it down on my journal, my healer told me that it was going to happen, right? And then it happened. But if I didn't put the application in, if I didn't pick up the phone and tell them that it was available if I like it, and I do say I because I was the one that did it, it wouldn't have happened. And so you do have to set intentions, but you do also have to take action. It's like,

Becca 

Yeah, let's talk about Al. Go oh, I think you were headed there anyway so please go on.

Angela 

Same thing with Al, my, the same conversation that I had with my healer, the same day around the kids and finding a property. She also said the spirits want to ask you to start thinking about your future partner. And I thought really, I said I he hasn't even left the house yet. And they're like, no, they're saying that they need you to write down what you want, right? Like you need to start putting it out there now. Because they're saying it will start to be part of the healing process. But you also need time to start understanding what you want again. So I was like, Alright, and so I wrote my list that I wanted, I wanted someone who has actually not been married, I wanted someone who didn't have kids, and there's you know, list of other things. And I got everything but the one thing on there, right? So it was like a gift but I put those intentions out there. But I still had to get on Tinder. I still had to get on Bumble, I still had to swipe left or swipe right. I still had to have conversations I still had to make it happen. So yes, those intentions were set, the actions were taken and these are the outcomes that are presented in front in front of me.

Becca 

Beautiful, I love it. And one of the one of the ways I work with women is to think about the intention. So what is your intention here? Do you want to be in the same room with your partner in 10 years from now? Do you want to be able to celebrate Christmas with the children, you know, open the presents together because Santa came the night before?

Because if you don't set that intention, it's very easy to allow decisions to not allow that to happen. To get in your own way of creating a really positive future and positive divorce, 

Angela 

I did set an intention that I wanted Dale and Al to get to get along. And I did offer Dale the opportunity to meet Al before the kids did but Dale chose not to. So that was his choice. And I have to respect that choice. But again, it was there. I can't I can't be responsible for what he does and what he doesn't do. But what I can be responsible for, say and lay my head on my pillow is the offer was there. I've also made it clear to him that if, when (not if but when) he starts dating someone else again, I would like to meet them before you know they were to meet the kids. So Dale and Al have yet to meet, which is interesting, because like I said, we're literally 20 seconds from each other. But they've yet to meet. But Dale will still text me and say, Hey, are you guys around today? Because I'm coming to do the laundry. I'll pop in between right. So it's like it is interesting, but that's why yes. 100%.

Becca 

Okay. Did you seek any support as you're going through your separation and divorce?

Angela 

No, in regards to like counseling or therapy? Or do you mean like legal teams or anything? Yeah. No. Yeah. So we both knew that we didn't want lawyers involved, and that we pretty much would like sell the house. Like we sold our one house, we still have our land in Tassie that we need to sell. So we just split that down the middle, we both decided that we would not touch each other's Super. So he will keep his Super, I will keep my Super. But that was pretty much it. So and whatever was in the bank, still, I mean, we just went 50/50. He was also on my business as part of part shareholder. I asked him to relinquish that, that that I thought could have gone differently. Because, again, it's in his interest do you know what I mean, to have probably stayed on there, but he also knows that my business is my own brand. And so, you know, I lie, I did seek legal.. no, not legal, I did seek advice from my accountant about that one question, actually, as I'm talking it through. So I met with my accountant. And I just said, because my old accountant that I had previously had said that when I set up the company to include Dale, as a part shareholder, I knew differently at that particular stage, because his advice was that no matter what, he probably still get 50% of the company. But my new accountants like that's not necessarily true. So he said, he's like, Oh, he owns 50% of shares. And I was like, yes. And he's like, Well, theoretically, you could ask him just nicely, like, "hey, I need to remove you from the company" that did it. And then if he gave me writing, and I said, "if he doesn't?", my accountant said, "if he doesn't, because you're your own brand, theoretically, you could close that part of the business and reopen up a new one. If you had to reset it would be a huge pain because of your my podcasts and everything else".

But it was the one time Dale didn't get back to me. There's two times Dale hasn't gotten back to me one was this as in, he prolongs it was, hey, I need you to respond to my email. Keep in mind, he would respond to emails all the time, I need you to respond to the email because new financial year is coming. And I want you off of this before we enter the new financial year. And then I had to chase it. Yeah, which in fairness is fairness like, what I also say, and I think we sometimes when we're in the heat of it are etc, of the separation is, you know, I am where I am in my business because though Dale and I may have expired. I still traveled around the world to the Maldives, America, Canada speaking, Masterminds, doing my thing, and he still took the role as a dad, as some people say you have as a dad, I can tell you of my times around the world traveling for business, I was one of the very few women who was child age - do you know what I mean? - the majority of them were white males. Even I would get comments as Oh, did you get permission from your husband? Yes. And so you know, I also had to kind of go over that. So what I say is that was that Dale always allowed me to continue to grow my business and my personal interest.

And I will always give credit where credit is due is that is one thing that he did well, or that he supported me on though, emotionally I don't feel like he supported me in other areas. But in that part, he never said like, I would go on a yacht in the Maldives. And it would be me, another girl and the rest of the males. He never was like, Oh my God, you're gonna cheat on me. Oh my God, it was always "Yep. Go and have fun. We'll see when you get back". So there's this mutual respect, and that's why I think we continue to have the respect we have for each other. So I'll give credit where credit is due for that one.

Becca 

Okay, and what was the second thing that he took some time coming back to you about?

Angela 

Yes was. So the first property. Well, that one was kind of like him. It was a hard note on that one. But then we also have our land down in Tassie. But his land and Tassie is we bought it off his parents. So his parents have quite a big large patch of land and they gave land to his brother we each had to pay 35k to get this land, but the land is now worth about 150k. But I think I kept saying like, listen, the house is sold, we really need to action this because prices are going down. They're not going up in the current market. And he's like, Yeah, I need a couple more time, I need a little bit more time, like we've had since December mate, it's now August, like we need to make a decision. And he finally came back. And he just said, well sell it, do what you need to do and sell it. And I went back to him and I said, Listen, it's your family's land, I don't want the land. So you can buy me out, or we can sell it, it doesn't worry me. So I think he's never said that, I would assume he was probably conflicted, because it's his parent, if it would have been been a neutral land, I don't think it would have mattered. So I had, I think I was fair and giving them about eight to 10 months to try and decide on that one. But now prices have gone down in the market. So it could be that we just sit with it anyways until prices go up. But, you know, it's.. neither of us are in huge rush. It's just more about like, give me an answer. And that's kind of like, you know, figure out what the next steps are.

Becca 

All right. I'm down down to my last two questions for you. What is the best advice? And what is the worst advice that you've been given through the last year? Or even before before you separated?

Angela 

Awesome. I mean, I actually probably - this could sound cocky or bitchy but - I don't think there was really any advice if I'm honest, because I was already made my decisions. Yeah.

So I think it's almost like a closed book, almost like if someone started talking about something. I'm like, oh, that decisions already made. Like I was really like, I don't want to hear like, I didn't f… ask for the advice. So let me just close you now. Right?

Like, because it's kind of like when you're trying to name your child. Yeah, come up with a f… name. And then like, I love the name Addison. And then I was told Addison's a f… disease. So I go and google Addison. And sure enough, Addison is the name of some disease. And I was like, well, now I hate the name. So I was like, I'm not gonna say anything about anything. So it was kind of like that was the approach I took is "Oh, thanks. But no, thanks. It's already decided. Thanks. No, thanks". Right. I didn't really ask.

But I also, because the grieving process had already gone on, I'd already kind of made like, no one even knew that it was happening other than my best friend, not even my dad.

Becca

Wow.

Angela

And so when the fin was finally pulled, kind of a couple of our friends kind of knew, because they kind of knew that I've been thinking about it for a while. And they're like, "oh, shit, really? He's out in like a couple of weeks?". And I was like, "yeah", so I think people knew, but again, I wasn't going to open myself to other people's projections and other people's dramas and how they were going to receive or not receive the information.

Becca 

Okay, my final question then, because some people do seek advice; what advice would you give to somebody who wants to Do Divorce Right?

Angela 

I'd say you need to follow your own intuition. Put your own oxygen mask on first and start to do what's right for you. Don't worry about anyone else, worry about you? Because really, the only person who's coming to save you, is you.

Becca 

Beautiful, and thank you so much for your time. I'm gonna obviously link everything in the show notes. But how can people find you?

Angela 

Yeah, I mean, if they're wanting to if they have a business and they're wanting to work with someone as a role in the business consultant, they can find me over at angelahenderson.com.au. And they are they can listen to my podcast. They can look at what services I have. They can follow me over there on Instagram, but yes, my website is angelahenderson.com.au

Becca 

Amazing thanks Ange, I'm also going to put a link into the episode of you manifesting Al because it was a gorgeous episode. Yes, absolutely. 

Angela 

Oh brilliant. 

Becca 

Thanks for sharing so much. And so candidly, we really appreciate it.

Angela 

No worries at all. You have an awesome day, my friend.

Becca 

Thanks for listening. I hope you took something of value out of this episode. I'm your host Becca Maxwell. And you can find me on the web at dodivorceright.com on Instagram @dodivorceright. I look forward to connecting with you there.

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