Episode 2 - Declutter & Downsize With Ease

podcast Aug 31, 2022
Do Divorce Right
Episode 2 - Declutter & Downsize With Ease
26:04
 

The Do Divorce Right podcast is a new podcast dedicated to looking at the many different aspects of divorce,  interviews with women who have their own incredible divorce stories or those who can offer some great advice as you go through yours. Hosted by Becca Maxwell, a divorce coach and relational intelligence consultant, the focus here is to help you to find the strength and support to help you heal, feel lighter and in a better frame of mind to face the inevitable challenges of your divorce journey.

In this episode, Becca interviews the wonderful Jenny Vile who is a decluttering and organizing coach who shares her advice on dividing possessions, the biggest hurdles people face in letting go of possessions and how to overcome these.

You can find Jenny at www.lovethewayyoulive.net.au

On Instagram at: @_lovethewayyoulive

And facebook: https://www.facebook.com/watch/LovethewayyouliveAustralia/

And you can download her free advice on how to declutter your clothes in 5 easy steps here:

https://www.lovethewayyoulive.net.au/tips/ 

 

Audio Transcript

Welcome to the Do Divorce Right podcast. I'm your host, Becca Maxwell. And I'm here to help you transition through your divorce with ease and integrity, to not only survive the challenges of your divorce, but to thrive as you come out the other side of it with a much better life than you ever hoped possible. On this show, we talk about many different aspects of divorce, interview women who have their own incredible divorce stories, or those who can offer some great advice as you go through yours. The focus here is to help you find the strength and support to help you feel lighter, happier, more positive, and then a better frame of mind to face the inevitable challenges of your current journey.

Becca

In today's episode of the Do Divorce Right podcast, I'll be talking to Jenny Vile, who is a declutter and organizing coach, helping people to love their homes again. And Jen, I've been so excited to talk to you. Thanks for making some time.

Jenny

Oh, thank you for having me. Very excited.

Becca

And could you describe a little bit about what you do and how you help people? How do you help your clients?

Jenny

Yeah, so I'm a professional organizer and declutter coach. So basically, I'm helping anyone who needs some help to be able to, you know, be able to start somewhere, because sometimes that's the most frustrating part for people is that they're not sure where to start. Yeah, so it becomes very overwhelming. So later on, I'll talk a little bit about the benefits of decluttering. So I'm based in the Lake Macquarie/ Central Coast area, and I started about six years ago. And, yeah, pretty much didn't realize there was such a thing as professional organizers. So I did a bit of research and because I've always loved helping people organize their homes, and I can visualize things when they say this is just clutter, can visualize, you know, after that, what it will look like when we're finished. So yeah, it's I'm sort of mainly helping homeowners, you know, downsizers that are looking to move into like, retirement villages, or siblings might call me and say they'd like to organize their parents, they need to downsize them and put them into aged care facility. So that can be very stressful as well for them.

Becca 

It's extremely timely. Jen, did I tell you that I'm actually helping clean out my mum's house at the moment? My dad passed away a few weeks ago so my mum and I are working together to clean out. She's not going to downsize just yet. She's not going to move into a home. But that whole idea of, you know, deciding what to keep, what's sentimentally valuable, what do you do with these things? It's an interesting journey. I'm actually loving it, because I'm a big believer in decluttering. And, you know, psychologically, and physically, I'm a big believer in it. But tell me, how did you get into it? How did you decide this was a business?

Jenny

Well, I think from a young age, I was a bit of an organizer. I think my parents are quite organized too. But mum used to say, when I was about six, that I lay all the clothes out on the bed ready for the next, you know, for the morning to get dressed and everything. So I think it was always there. But previously, like, I've been in business for about 19 years. And I've had an administration business with admin support staff. And my husband also has an engineering consultancy. So we've sort of always had to manage that side as well for the business with the team. So a lot of administrative work, and I've done you know, aged care, assistant nursing and real estate so I had my own agency for a while, for about eight years. 

And then yeah, so it sort of just led into that, I think, because I could see that people needed help. And especially if they're selling you know? They needed to present their homes and declutter a bit. Making it presentable, obviously, is key. So helping them do that as well. And then yeah, leading to Airbnb cleaning. And so I had a big team at that time. But I've sort of, you know, bought that back a little bit and mainly focusing on the decluttering because that's, that is my passion, what I love doing, helping people. 

You know, physically and psychologically it's a really important thing, I think, especially when you're going through, you know, stages of divorce or separation, that can be really challenging because your emotions are very high at that point. And you can't really, it's very hard to see the end to get into the zone.

Becca

That's exactly what my clients are dealing with all the time. So part of my job is to try and help them get through, you know, this most challenging point to be able to imagine that there is a positive outlook at the end. I think it's interesting that you call yourself a declutter and organizing coach. So it's not this that you come in and you get the job done for somebody, can you tell me a bit more about why? Why coach? So what is it that you need to coach people on?

Jenny

Yeah, so I think that's more… It's that enabling you know? 

It's okay to go in and sort of just clear out and sort it all. But then they've got to be able to manage that after I leave, because sometimes clients will say, after they've had a session with me, and then when I go to the next session, they'll say to me, “Oh, well, I haven't really done much since you weren't here”.  So I'm trying to work, you know, with that part of it as well, where I want them to be able to be enabled and take the next step themselves and feel empowered to keep going. So you know, when I have regular clients, but I also have people that just sort of, you know, needed just to help move or something like that. But, you know, some people just need a hand at different times in their life. And yeah, it's just, I think yeah. 

Becca

So tell me what we were just talking about. You know I'm a big believer in decluttering. And I do think that there are such benefits, obviously, physically, you have a much nicer, cleaner space. But psychologically, I feel that it really frees you up as well. So what would you call the benefits of decluttering? What do you think?

Jenny

Like having that clear headspace, especially when you go to bed at night, it's just that, yeah, being able to sleep and not be stressed and worried about, you know, getting things done, and you don't know, it's just so overwhelming. So having that clear headspace, is good. Visually, that makes you feel better when you're in the door. So obviously, I've always sort of talked about, I sort of put this a bit in my social media about the front door entry, because that's where you come into the home once you've been to work, or we've been out so that presentation you have at the front door is really important. Because it just gives you that, as soon as you walk in, it sort of changes your whole feeling on how you feel about the home too. So if there's, you know, things all lying around at the front door, it just brings you right down and you just feel really lethargic, and it makes you just feel like you just can't get anywhere. So when you actually have a really clean space, and everything's organized at the front door, if it's choosing things, you can have a shoe rack, that's as simple as that. But it's definitely an energy shift that needs to happen with your home. So you can actually live much simpler.

Becca

One of the things that I liked most about when I separated from my ex husband and I, you know, obviously had to move into a new home, and there's so much that you have to go through, one of my favourite things was actually building my single mum sanctuary. And that's exactly what you're talking about: that energy of walking into there, that first space that you walk into, and being able to put your own personality into that there's no longer any compromises, I don't have to have my ex husband's messy, whatever, whatever. It could now be my sanctuary. And that was something I thoroughly appreciated. You know, there's, there's a lot that isn't very nice about going through a separation or divorce. But, you know, you've got to find those elements of bringing joy and I think having a nice clean space, you know that that energy that you're talking about, and that visual space is so lovely. 

And so thinking of women who are going through their separation or divorce, and they find themselves having to divide up their possessions and having to most often downsize and move into a smaller space. What advice would you give someone who's going through that process right now?

Jenny

Yeah, so I think you need to be sensitive. And I think it's very hard to be, I suppose, not overly emotional because you are going to be over emotional.

It is one of the most difficult times in your life. So sometimes, I think the first thing is not to be hard on yourself. Just to start, yeah, just start somewhere. And maybe start to put together a little list of items that both you and your husband or partner have so that when you're actually having to go through that process, you start to sort of put together a bit of a list so that you can decide, you know, on who's is who and there might be items that you'd like to give away to family or friends or, or, you know, to charities as well. 

So I think that sort of starts to sort of manifest a little bit, and it starts to get you into a little bit of a mindset of getting a little bit organized. And even though you're feeling not so good. So yeah, and I mean, it is being kind to each other, I know that's really difficult in, in that situation, but you just need to just try and be able to call as much as possible, which I know is hard sometimes. 

And always, when I've worked with clients that are going through that, I've always said not to, to go through their items, so the partners items, so give them a give them an opportunity to come and get, you know, get their things, but don't always feel like you have to sort out all their things because, you have to give them the permission to to sort their things because that can become a real issue I've found before with clients, if they don't allow that other person to get their things, because some, you know, they might just put them in a box and go and throw them at the front and, you know, come and get your things because that doesn't always work. They'd like to say, look, you know, I'm moving out of the house, this time you checked your item. So there's a few challenges.

Becca

Here a few key takeaways there, one, which is you know, be as amicable as possible, try to treat the other person with respect and be sensitive, as well as treating yourself with respect and being kind. So I thought that that's a lovely, key takeaway. Another key takeaway from that is around when you say making a list and getting organized, what I love about that is it can, it can start feeling quite empowering, kind of, you know, when you think about that circle of influence and the circle of concern, there's a lot that feels overwhelming when you're going through your things and you're setting up a new life, and you can't imagine what it's going to look like. But being able to take some control of that in even in such a simple way as making a list of what this is, you know, the artwork that we have in the home, these are the pieces of furniture and, and then thinking through.. not even having to make the decisions. The empowering part is just taking an action that makes a difference as simple as making that list. So I think that's really, really useful, really handy. 

Tell me about some of the biggest hurdles you see in people facing and kind of letting go of their possessions and feel comfortable and we’ll come to what can people do to overcome those..

Jenny

So like, guilty is one of them, they feel guilty, like they've got great grandma's china set. They feel guilty if they feel like they really don't want it. They might feel sentimental towards it, but they really don't think they'll ever use it. And it's not something that they typically like. But they feel guilty because they don’t want it. That is a step that you need to be able to say. “Okay, great grandma, has given me this but it would also be nice to be able to let that go and actually give it to someone who might actually use it.” 

You know, it might be someone's someone could absolutely love that piece of china or set or something. So you could offer it to family or you could turn it to charities or a vintage store where they would actually, you know, really appreciate that type of thing. 

So it is hard to let go there are some things that people won't let go of that I've worked with, but we do sort of break down a few barriers and eventually they sort of cubed sort of goes and they say well okay, That's okay, you've got to let that go. Alright, so some of the options that I give them the things taking a photo of it so if they can't like touch it or feel it anymore taking photos is a really good thing that works really well. And then other things around that are like fear, feeling that they'll get that person once they let that item go.

Becca

They wrapped up together guilt and fear or are they quite different emotional reactions.

Jenny

I think they both help with the letting go, it's just a process.

Becca

Okay, thinking about how you would overcome those hurdles I have, you know, through the coaching that I do I have an expectation of what you're going to say here, I think, but what advice would you give in helping somebody overcome? Let's let's deal with fear, perhaps fear of not being able to replace this item or not being able to.. Yeah, the fear of loss, I guess, and the item being perhaps a little bit more of a symbolic value than it is a literal value? 

How do you help somebody overcome that fear of loss?

Jenny

Sometimes, I can actually get them to, to get to that point of saying, Okay, I'll give that away. But, sometimes they're not ready yet. So I never force them to, you know, to give that away, because they just might not be ready yet. So sometimes we can say, “Well, let's, let's look at this in six months' time”. 

You know, let's say, you've moved house and thing, let's get it out and have a look at it again, I could give you a call, and we could have a look and see how you feel about it. Because there are some things that you just do not want to give away. But generally, yeah, it's a process. Because there's a stage of going through grief. You know, losing someone or someone giving you something that you just know, it's something you have to work through sometimes I think, yeah, some people more so than others.

Becca

I think that's really helpful. So if, if any of my clients, for example, are really struggling with a few key pieces that they don't know whether to hold on to, maybe they're fighting over an item with their with their ex, the recommendation then might be ‘well, let's come to an agreement that we won't make a decision on this for three months. Let's make a decision on this a little bit further down the line, we'll hold on to it and not decide/ make decisions just yet’. And I think that's really, really helpful. 

Yeah, so we've spoken about guilt, we spoke about fear. Are there any other big hurdles that you think people need to overcome?

Jenny

Yeah, so like, sometimes I'll say things like, I don't like I don't want to get rid of that. Because I don't like it, then I'd say I don't want to get rid of it. Because you know, I paid this amount of money for it. 

So the thing is, then I've got a sort of discomfort around the thing. If it's something that they've they've got, not so much a possession, but if it's something they've bought themselves, sometimes I'll say ‘well you’ve already spent the money. So you're not going to lose money now’. Because you've already spent it. So it's, it's it's not that loss, that immediate, you know, getting rid of that, because you've already paid for it. So people sort of think, okay, yeah.

Becca

I can, I can only imagine, you know, you could think through like office furniture or items that we would have invested a lot in, in the past that are essentially useless to us now, like an overhead projector, or, you know, a DSLR camera that people don't use anymore, because we have these wonderful iPhones. And there must be so many investments that we've made in the past that just don't hold their value anymore, as much as we would have loved them to. Yeah, I can see that being a real challenge. All right.

Okay, I was just going to ask you, then, is there any other advice that you would give, you know, any key takeaways for somebody who's going through this right now? They've made a list perhaps of their possessions. They've decided what to keep and what not to keep, but they're, you know, what advice would you give your, someone who's having to go through this process, they're having to downsize or move with fewer items than they would like to keep? Is there anything that you would suggest?

Jenny

I think, starting small, so don't try and think about the big picture right away, try and start small, start somewhere to get started. And imagine, you know, I know it's going to be hard at the time, but try and imagine as you're going along, that as you said earlier on about having your own space at some point, so visualizing. You know what your space is going to look like something to work towards. 

Bearing in mind that you're still going to be going through a lot of a lot of trauma. But it's it's having having something to visualize to keep you going and motivated, I think, to get through that process. And just don't be hard on yourself one day at a time, be kind to yourself, that's probably the biggest thing, I think.

And have deadlines, obviously, like, at some point, yeah, you definitely have to hit deadlines for things to be done and completed. So that stress levels are not exacerbated towards the end, you know, when you've really got to sort out everything, you know.

Becca

I love that. So maybe it's in being kind, but you know, but don't be hard on yourself and be kind to yourself. But then also creating these deadlines, there is certainly a tension there, isn't there? 

Any of those deadlines, they don't just have to be the big, ugly, you know, move out of the house on X date, you can really chunk it down into what's manageable. So what is it that I hope to achieve this week and the starting small, this week, we're going to go through the garage or whatever, you know, the less sentimental things potentially and then we can work towards the more emotionally valuable.

Jenny

Yes, garages can be quite an emotional thing to go through. It's quite a big process. So you'll probably start with like a drawer in like a bedroom, or a cupboard. Something like that. So in my sort of work that I've done, through energy and color consulting, the garage sort of represents more so the emotional parts, so that's where most people will keep their emotion. So you'll find people when they can't deal with things, they'll put them into the garage. 

So yeah, so some of my clients has been interesting, where I've had a husband and wife, where one of them wants to move house, but the other one doesn't. But sometimes people actually get body manifestation with that. So if we start when we're starting to sort through those things, one of them might just disappear out of the room and the husband will say ’where has was my wife gone?’. And she's actually on the bed, feeling really ill. She's either got some chest pain, or she's got stomach pain, because of that stress of having to deal with this emotion and things that are actually in there. It's quite, it's quite a strong, powerful area of the home.

Becca

That’s phenomenal, so you think the garage should be one of the last places? Or would you suggest chunking it down and just doing, you know, a few hours at a time? Or how do you approach that? knowing that it has to be done? How would you? How do you make that manageable?

Jenny

Yes, that's right. And yeah, I would say do it in small steps. Because sometimes it takes a lot longer to work through those things that are in there, because they could have been in there for a long time. And there will be a lot of emotion come up with certain items that they've packed away and not wanting to think about so they've just put them in the garage for later. And then I suppose, because you've got to be able to store things in there as well, at some point when you're moving house, you do sort of have to start to work through that area. But I wouldn't be doing it like in a six hour session or something like that. It'd be three hours maybe 

Becca

Got it? Yeah, I think that's so interesting that emotions are held in the garage. Thinking that through I can imagine it's not just like you say your box things away and you think I'll deal with that another time. Even when it comes to something as simple as like, as extravagant, if you like as a stand up paddleboard, it's not about the board itself. It's about the adventures you imagined you were going to be having the family on this board. So getting rid of that becomes, you know, kind of grieving the future that was associated or the imaginings that were associated with that item. You know, whether it's rollerblades or kayaks whatever it might be. That really speaks to me I completely understand 

Jen, thank you so much. How would people find you? How do people get to hear about your advice? How can they get in touch with you

Jenny

Probably just go to my website at lovethewayyoulive.net.au and I'm also on social platforms. Instagram and Facebook, so they can get in touch by that, through the contact page. And I've got a free ‘How to declutter your clothes in seven steps.’

Okay, so they'd like to go to the website and grab that. So you would go to the Resources page and then the Tips. And then you can actually just see it at the top. It'll have ‘How to declutter your clothes in seven steps’, and then they can just put their email address in, and then it'll download to their email. So that's a little freebie for them to try out. 

Becca

I'll put a link directly to that in the show notes. So I'll put a link to your website, to your free declutter clothes in seven steps and your Instagram so people can follow you and get some more fantastic advice. Thank you so much. Thank you. It's been lovely. 

Jenny

Thanks for having me on.

Becca

My pleasure.

Thanks for listening. I hope you took something of value out of this episode. I'm your host, Becca Maxwell. And you can find me on the web at www.dodivorceright.com or on Instagram @dodivorceright. 

I look forward to connecting with you there.

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