Episode 26 - From Rags To Riches, From Dust To Gold

KellyJoy has an extraordinary story spanning decades and continents, covering young love and later love, abuse and substance addictions, scraping by and creating abundance. She shares her journey with Becca in our latest podcast and inspires anyone going through divorce to see that there is a way to find joy again, even after some of life's darkest moments.

 

Audio Transcript

 

Becca 

Welcome to the do divorce right podcast. I'm your host, Becca Maxwell. And I'm here to help you transition through your divorce with ease and integrity, to not only survive the challenges of your divorce, but to thrive as you come out the other side of it with a much better life than you ever hoped possible. On this show, we talk about many different aspects of divorce, interview women who have their own incredible divorce stories, or those who can offer some great advice as you go through yours. The focus here is to help you find the strength and support to help you feel lighter, happier, more positive, and then a better frame of mind to face the inevitable challenges of your current journey.

 

Becca 

All right, as I mentioned, I'm here with Kelly joy. And I'm excited to get this story out into the world because yours is a little bit more complex and interesting, then the usual story, Kelly, wouldn't you say?

 

Kelly thomas 

Really? I don't know you, you probably talk to more ladies about divorce. And I do?

 

Becca 

I definitely do. But what's interesting about yours is that we've got multiple stories to talk about, as do I. But also the part about applying to move countries. And that's something a lot of people have to go through, thankfully. And I think we could certainly hear some more about that. But why don't we like, like, take a big time, leap back? And tell us about maybe a bit about yourself, where are you from what you do, which is gorgeous. And then maybe we talk about your marriages and divorces.

 

Kelly thomas 

Okay, take a big deep breath. Well, my name is Kelly, Joy. I am. I'm from the UK originally, I'm a mother of four. My kids are all big. I had kids very, very young, I, I'll just put it straight on the table. I grew up in a very, very dysfunctional family. You know, there was a lot of abuse. And so I was set up from a very young age to head into dysfunctional relationships. It's very uncomfortable thing for people to hear. You know, it's, I'm getting much better at saying it. I don't particularly divulge and share my story with everybody. You know, all the nitty gritty. But less I say that it's people would be very confused, because it's a big shit show. Yeah, yeah.

 

Becca 

It's great that you're self aware enough, though. And I know it's taken time. It takes a lot of work to get to that self awareness and realizing the conditioning that we've had, yes helps us make these choices that are not actually serving us very well. So you've done well on

 

Kelly thomas 

a massive journey since I was 25. And I'm 42. So I've been on a massive journey of personal development since the age of 25. And I already had four children at that age. So I had three I left home at 14 I moved in with my boyfriend fell pregnant, and we had three babies in three years or four years. And he became very unwell. I was so young, I didn't really know that he was becoming unwell. I believed what he was saying. And unfortunately, he had schizophrenia. He was incredibly violent. We never got married, but we were together for around six, nearly seven years. And I left him when I was pregnant with my youngest daughter. I was 19. And yeah, so I became a single mom. And I mean, I always was really because he was so dysfunctional. So I was holding it together. And I didn't have any family. It was me and me and my babies and

 

Becca 

terrifying to leave at 19. And we're

 

Kelly thomas 

into I went into a refuge, I went into a refuge. So yeah, I'm not as terrifying as being with him.

 

Becca 

No, I hear you. I've also my first marriage was violent. And I you know, you just for me, I didn't know quite, I couldn't quite compute that this was happening to me. It's a process it.

 

Kelly thomas 

You don't you haven't learned enough? Well, for me, I hadn't learned enough about life. And I had always been in survival mode. I mean, when people hear my story, they say, how were you so resilient? I am so resilient because I've been living through this stuff since I was a tiny little girl. So I've become, you know, very, very resilient and some of the stuff that quotes that you hear from leaders speak leaders, you know about, it's not your resources. It's your resourcefulness. Well, I'm one of those humans, I can turn nothing into something. I'm a survivor. Yeah,

 

Becca 

let's teach people some of that. So what is You got into the refuge, you had three and five at this point.

 

Kelly thomas 

I had three babies really three little children. Yes. That third pregnant with my third babies. So I was I was, I had two little babies and I was pregnant. Two little toddlers and I was pregnant with my daughter. So I go into the refuge. Eventually, I have to come out of the refuge. You know, very difficult. There was actually some violent women in my refuge. So I, I left after about six months, because I actually thought, I'm getting bashed up in a refuge, I think I'll go home. And you know, I went back to the flat the apartment where I'd been living. And we don't need to go there. But the violence got pretty horrific. And in the end, I had a lot of police buzzers in my flat. And that was it for me. I nearly died. He nearly killed me. So I survived that. And then I had a good two years, three years, just in absolute dysfunction. You know, I had these little babies, I love my children. I was a very good mom when it comes to being loving. And you know, but there was not really much guidance, I paid my bills, we bought some food, I spent most of my time at the park, we played. And unfortunately, the next guy, I date I did date another guy on and off, and he will come back into the story later. So I will mention him. I don't need a guy on and off. That didn't work. He moved to Australia. And then I met another chap who was very, very handsome. And this guy proposed to me within three months of snowing so I'm 23 I have no family. It's just me and my little babies, me and my little kids. And I made this really gorgeous guy three months. Well, when he proposes I said yes, I loved his family. He had this huge family. And now as a 42 year old woman, I'm like, I suggest to him because I wanted in on that. There was you know, I wanted to be part of that loving unit. I didn't know that.

 

Becca 

You were attracted to this.

 

Kelly thomas 

And so four and a half years with that man was hell. So unfortunately, a lot of your viewers and yourself will know these kinds of men, they are controlling, you're not wearing that you're not going there. Why did you talk to that person? I saw you look at that guy. You just become a Rhodes

 

Becca  

all of your confidence, doesn't it? It changes your character altogether.

 

Kelly thomas 

Yep, absolutely nervous wreck. But you don't you don't know you when you're in your 20s. For me, I wouldn't have known that I was experiencing that I fought back, you know, I was verbal to as much as I can imagine

 

Becca 

that about you.

 

Kelly thomas 

I, yeah, I just I couldn't I couldn't stand it. Because I've been in that relationship previous for all those years. And I'd been through the childhood stuff by the time I was in this marriage with this guy. And he was saying to me, you're like a 12 year old, you can't do this. You don't know how to do that. We had a child together. I did did not want to have a fourth child. But that was where he went constantly, you know, I want a baby. And I submitted I submitted and that has been one of the threads through my story is submission, watched my mother submit to the abusive man in my childhood, and she's still with him. Now. I learned that. And so as much as I'm a bit feisty, and a bit of a feisty, you know, feisty woman, there was the submissive and, and and that happened, you know, and I got to age 25. And I had not long had my fourth child. And I knew something had to change. And I picked up some spiritual books. And that was really the beginning for me. It took me three years to break up with him. I think I was 27 It was Christmas time. I find I broken up with him two or three times he left he came back again and I within a few hours. I knew why is he here. He was eating the kids school lunches. And he was just so selfish, you know, I'll fish and I just said you have to go and he did the huge song and dance and if I go I'll never coming back again. And I said never come back again. And he put his hand through the family portrait on the way out. And because it was Christmas, I had no money. And I had to say to my little children who were starting to grow up at that then you know look we have I have no money Annie, I can't buy lots. And my oldest son would have been maybe 10, I think. And he said to me, Mom, I don't care. Just never get him back, please. And that was, so that was 2007. And

 

Becca 

yeah, you just as you were going through that four and a half year, together, you've had the fourth baby, what role did girlfriends play in your world?

 

Kelly thomas 

I had a, we had a, we had a circle of friends. And we, we used to, you know, the husbands and the women, we'd all get together on a Friday night and you know, have some wine and hang out and have dinners together and all this sort of stuff. And I remember one of my girlfriends saying to me, about this guy, she said, he's going to smack he's going to try and he's gonna knock your teeth out. You know, because I've got this smile. And I, the day that I married him in the morning, my two best friends said, you know, you don't have to marry him, don't you? And you know, I was 24 I just bought this dress. I was like, Well, I'm here now. You know, it was that kind of, there was no processing going on. I had these children, I was trying to do the best I could. So my friends were also young women like me. Yeah. But, but they knew, you know, my girlfriends. I mean, he cut all my hair off once. And my best friend came around the day, the day the morning after he'd cut my hair off and had long, long blonde hair. And she just was shocked. And I tried to make it you know, not. It's not a big deal, minimizing his ugly, but minimizing it. And, you know, and then she pulled back. So that's basically that's the stuff that went on. Because I guess for people, it's too painful, isn't it when they they see stuff. And he was

 

Becca 

let's let's be a little bit forgiving of the girlfriends in your sphere at the time, because they knew, well, maybe they didn't maybe they knew intuitively maybe they had no idea. But the truth is, nobody could have made you leave until you were ready to leave. That had to be your decision. And you know, it doesn't matter if you've got people saying this is not working for you, this is a problem or he's going to brush your teeth or cut your hair, whatever, nothing's going to happen until you're ready to make that happen. And it actually hurts the other person to watch. Not take the action that they know you need to take for yourself. There's this lovely expression that I've heard through kind of through the AAA not not that I have been involved in AAA, but I think this is the root of the expression, which is don't rob somebody else if they're rock bottom. Yeah. Because when when people are at their absolute rock bottom, it's when they learn the most. It's when they take the action that's required to get themselves out of their situation. Now, people like me nurturers, and, you know, people who care so deeply, I think one of the mistakes we often make is trying to help people before they get to the rock bottom. I don't go there. I don't want you to be in pain. Yeah, exactly. Let me help you up. Let me help you up. But actually, sometimes the best action is almost inaction and saying when you're ready, I'm in the wings. I'm waiting for you. I've got the car running like you just say the word but not putting pressure on people until they're ready. So maybe giving your girlfriend's the benefit of the doubt. Maybe there was some of that going on? Yeah, look,

 

Kelly thomas 

I've I've my whole life. I've had beautiful friends I have had absolutely i i You know, I've just attracted gorgeous women. But I've been young. And so they have been young and the time I was in the first relationship and I'd wasn't living at home. A lot of my girlfriends were still at home with their moms and dads. And I couldn't tell anybody the violence. They could see sometimes if they came around, and eventually I told them, but I never told anybody the truth because I thought I'd lose them. I was ashamed. Their parents wouldn't come let them come around to see me. So I my friends, as I've got older, and I've told the story, my friends have said Kelly, you always just have this smile. You know, I that's what I did. I love I love so when I have friends, I love them. And I don't tell them, you know, just because I didn't want to hurt them. So

 

Becca 

yeah, I feel like we've got so many similarities, Kelly like, yeah, as I said, I was in a violent relationship that I don't talk about very often. And yes, he nearly killed me and no, I didn't tell anybody about it at the time. You know, it just there's the shame I think more than anything else at You know, I don't I don't know if you feel this way, but I don't identify as a victim. It took me a very long time to even acknowledge that it was happening because that that just didn't fit with how I saw myself. So I'm very pleased that you took, you know, so let's talk about the evolution then. So getting to 25, the books that you picked up that fundamentally changed the way you were seeing the world and the growth journey that began to revive. Tell me more about that. What were these magical books like? What was

 

Kelly thomas 

the point you would have heard of the road less traveled? Yeah, yep. I cannot tell you what, what it was the shift. And then there was one that was called the celestial prophecy, which is all about energy. And I am definitely an energy worker. I have since I was a very small child, I have felt energy. I in my job is all about loving energy. So I'm a performer. And I radiate joy and love through my character that I've created and roadshows and I DJ and emcee and it's all about big energy.

 

Becca 

Fabulous energy, right?

 

Kelly thomas 

I pick it up, I just realized who I was, I think I read these books. And I looked at this man, and I thought, you are racist, you are sexist, you are prejudiced. You are a hater of everybody. I am the opposite of you.

 

Becca 

And he was minimizing your energy all the time. And he thought he

 

Kelly thomas 

was a narcissist, or he was sucking my energy. That was you know what he did? You know, he just constantly just turned the tables, and it was just Yeah, it was horrendous. So I had to go, probably the last chunk of time with him was absolute hell, there was alcohol involved, I am not ashamed to say I, I've been in AAA, I've been sober a long time since 28. So that's been part of my journey. I so I left him. And within six months, I was sober. And the part of my story, which is probably one of the biggest parts that, you know, this is the first time I'm sharing this stuff out loud on on to anybody apart from my circle, thank you is that when I was in these meetings, and I was in a room with some people that I'd never met, I had an experience, which I know I'd had many times before, but nobody had ever seen it. And so I have been diagnosed with dissociative disorder. So what happens when I get flooded with fear, I blacked out, I cannot see, I cannot hear I cannot speak. So my brain completely shuts down. But I look like I'm awake. And so in this meeting on this particular day, I think I was only three weeks into going to AAA and there was a lot of men in the room. And the shutdown happened. And there was a guy in the meetings who was a sober alcoholic, and he was a psychologist, and a trained, very trained specialist. He recognized straightaway what was happening to me to one side, and he shuffled me outside. And as I came to, he said to me, Kelly, look, you've having a major trauma response, you need to be somewhere where you can get some help. I don't know what's happened, but and so I he sent me down the route of counselors and therapists, and I'd been having that experience the whole way through that marriage. And every time I had shut down, he had just picked on me more, not physically, but verbally. And so I just I was in these blackouts a lot. That is from my childhood. So that's from the childhood stuff, and stuff in my teens, which was very, very dark. And so that really was the beginning of my journey. So that was in 2008 I've done a lot of work I've worked with a lot of people are

 

Becca 

incredibly lucky. This isn't unusual question. Well, how do you feel about having that person identify what was going on for you three weeks in that space?

 

Kelly thomas 

So grateful? Yeah, because I would have become a recluse. I would have become agoraphobic because the journey that I've had to go on I mean, look at me, I've moved countries with four children. I've started two businesses that are incredibly successful. I'm very, very

 

Becca 

visible. Right. So this is also something

 

Kelly thomas 

you couldn't, this is challenging. This is this is I when I go out and perform I wear my mask I have my role I am DJ MC Kelly, joy or I my, my character that I've created jelly Kelly. And I like I said, I'm just constantly I project love. And that love has come from my trauma. And I've turned it into, I've turned that stuff into the absolute opposite. And I push it out and I want everybody to feel my love. It's but being me and going out there is very, very difficult. And I'm really trying to do it. The networking and doing things like this, you know, and I would, I definitely would like I will share my story more one day and because I really want to help people that this dissociative stuff, if you have had trauma, and you don't you are experiencing it, because people call it anxiety, obviously, like mine's very, very extreme. I haven't had that blackout stuff for quite a long time. It's only happened at one of one party. And that was a few years ago. And that's because I'd had a conversation the morning before I left. And a certain word had come up in that conversation, which was right. And my mind must have took that with me and I blacked out as I'm doing my lines. But luckily, I come to nobody new. So, yeah, it's pretty heavy stuff.

 

Becca 

Yeah, extremely. Listen, I want to get to how your story can help others because this is the whole purpose of my podcast is to bring these stories of, we all go through a pretty heavy time when we're going through divorce. Even if it's the most amicable beautiful and conscious uncoupling on the planet. They never are. There's always struggles in there. So I want to bring those positive stories forward and say like you can get through this Ito, whatever your situation is. So thinking through when you were young, right? You're 25 years old, you've started you've decided to take some positive action for yourself, you've started to take this journey. Tell me what was that like? Practically? Like, how were you raising your four children? How were you getting through day by day you're in AAA for the first time forever? Definitely want to talk a bit more about getting sober. But tell me just the practicalities of those early days. And

 

Kelly thomas 

so I had no money. You know, I was a young mom life was financially incredibly difficult. I rode around on a push bike, you know, I mean, we're quite lucky in the UK, our public transport systems amazing. He took the car I rode around on a bike for me my life was about my children. I had four little kids. I've always been into fitness and I believe that you know looking after your body goes hand in hand we're looking after your mind. I've been a creative my whole life as well. So I've always painted made things and I've always had a friendship circle. So I really value women you know I've not been really a woman that has lots of male friends that's not been my jam but nothing against guys. I've been through a lot but they are not all the same. That's one so yeah, it's it's a bit of a mixed bag. You need a little bit of this and a little bit of that. I obviously had to change my life completely so when I stopped drinking I stopped drinking and I made new friends and yeah, it's it's it is what it is. I was just I was a very devoted mother. I had four kids you kind of got to be Haven't you know exactly

 

Becca 

there's no path part timing that one no. That yeah, she weren't handing them over either. Were you there was no co parenting in that situation. My

 

Kelly thomas 

my youngest son? Yes. So my youngest son who I had with my second my I didn't marry the first partner I married my first guy a second

 

 

very confusing the father of your fourth child as

 

Kelly thomas 

the father of my fourth child and he was mostly amicable in the beginning he would be ridiculous but in the end it was it was okay mainly because his mother was very involved and she she did most of the stuff between us

 

Becca 

and you trusted handing over your

 

Kelly thomas 

Yeah. To her I did yeah. And to him look very violent towards me. But not towards my son. Believe you mean now I have concerns not for physical violence but I know that I lived with that man for four and a half years and a lot of his just his behaviors the like maybe banging the table because the cups there instead of there. You know, the outburst really

 

Becca 

triggered stuff. Yeah,

 

Kelly thomas 

my son's my son's around that. So, you know, my son always says everything's fine and this sort of stuff, but I don't think my son would know, the words to articulate it because I didn't know, you know, later on in life.

 

Becca 

Let me ask you about your sober experience, because this is something that it's a pattern that emerges, right? I noticed that a lot of women are drinking at the end of their marriage, and often choose to take a break from booze, once they've decided to end their relationship. It's almost like the lead up to making that decision. They're numbing themselves with the wine or the alcohol or the reason to get out of the house and see girlfriends, the alcohol is a big part of their lives before they make a choice. And then I've really seen this quite a lot that after they make the choice, they get sober pretty quickly. Would you have a hypothesis on why that might be? It just from your personal experience, or

 

Kelly thomas 

dealing with divorce and dealing with difficult men is just, you know, I'm trying to be a mom and trying to do it all. It's hard work, isn't it? I look, I don't, I don't really know, I, I know, for me, I'm a person who wants I start, I can't stop. And it's nothing to do with willpower, I have the willpower of an ox, I'm one of the strongest people I know. So it's really nothing to do with willpower. I don't go to AAA and AAA anymore. I'll be honest with you. Because for me, I've watched a lot of the science stuff and I truly believe it's all about the receptors in the brain. And that's what causes the addiction. So you know, the spiritual process, part of AAA I love. I just if anybody thinks feels that their drinking is getting out of hand. You go to AAA, it will help you change your life, even if you don't stay there. Because if you are if you have children and you're using alcohol, I can guarantee you will not be emotionally present. No matter how much you love them. You will, you know, we're using it to numb ourselves. And so that was it for me. I knew that. And I knew I had to be there for my kids. They had been through a lot too.

 

Becca 

Okay, so that was your choice then to I need to, I need to be on here. So I need to give out the booze. Yeah, my hypothesis is that people are numbing themselves selves through the ugliness of a bad marriage. Yeah. And then once that decision has been made to end it, they don't need to numb themselves from it anymore. It's okay to experience the world in all of its technically horrific glory, you know, and to be true. Sometimes

 

Kelly thomas 

it's not that easy to stop. For some people, though. That's the thing. And you know, I've watched friends fall into the trap of, instead of getting a bottle of wine in the evening, you know, they're like, Oh, I'm just gonna go get a bottle of wine, have a few glasses while I'm cooking dinner and it leads to two bottles of wine and and then you're, you know, you're in these cycles and these habits. So

 

Becca 

know for sure. I think a lot of people need support, even if it's just a group of you doing it together, even if it's an alcohol coach, you know, the alcohol free coaching or something as formal as an AAA? Absolutely. It's tough. It's not always as simple as from today. I'm not going to do that anymore. Now it's time to revisit. And okay, let's come to the fact that you live in Australia. Yeah. And there's a whole history that's not here that we've we've spoken about how did you get from 25 and opening up your mind to being a better version of yourself, and that journey that you started to being where you are today?

 

Kelly thomas 

Okay, so I at 28, I got sober and I basic, basically the chap that I had dated in between the two fathers of my children, I dated this guy on and off for a couple of years. He was a lovely guy. And he went off to Australia, he, he contacted me, I wasn't on Facebook or anything like that. But one of my best friends, she said, Oh, he's, he's been messaging me trying to get your number and I support even though he's in Australia, I said, Yeah, so I said, I'll give you my number, whatever. Anyway, he calls me and he says, Kelly, I am coming back to see my family. I'd love to catch up. And I said, Yeah, cool. Let's hang out. So he came over. This was in 2009. July, we spent three weeks together, we did stuff with the kids. We had a good time. We've known each other for a very, very long time, at this point, a long, long time. And then he went back to Australia, and I thought nothing of it. And then he starts calling me all the time. And I had to say to him, I won't say his name, but I'll call him Dave. I said, Look, Dave, it's really great that you call me You mean telling me all about snowboarding and traveling here and going there and doing this, but I'm actually at uni trying to study nursing. And I've got four kids and I'm really struggling. Look, it was great hanging out, but Have a nice life, you know, liked him, but I didn't really want to hear it. I was my kids were quite, we were going through a lot because of what they'd been through. It was all starting to come to the surface. So we were in, I was doing family therapy with my kids and stuff at this point. And so I thought that was that. And then he rings me again. And he says, Kelly, I've been in love with you my entire life. I was devastated when I left you. But then when I found out you'd gone and got married a few months after I'd left, I was like, whoa. He said, Do you want to get married and come and live in Australia? And I said, Have you been drinking? I've had one or two. I said, Call me tomorrow and have none and ask me again. And I put the phone down. And I looked at my eldest son who was only 11. Or you know, it wasn't particularly that older. I remember. I said, Sure. Live in Australia. And of course, my kids like Yeah. Anyway, I really didn't, you know, believe it would happen. At that point. I had really no inkling of anything. And of course, Dave called me. And we connected. And I had a huge soft spot for this guy. He was a good guy. And I said, Okay, let's go for it. Wow. It took me three and a half years to get here. I went through a massive court battle, I went to court, I can't remember if it was 12 or 15 times, but it was a huge amount of times, it was very, very difficult. And my ex husband used my honesty against me, obviously, look, I've sat here and I'm saying, Hey, I'm what you call a sober alcoholic. I don't drink. And a lot of people hear the word alcoholic and they think that this awful person under a bridge somewhere, you know, drinking cider, not true. So my husband really said they'll never let you use my ex husband said they'll never let you leave the country. That's what he said to me.

 

Becca 

Because I know Coholic Yeah, because

 

Kelly thomas 

you've got no family, you've got no support. And luckily, because I am very strong and resilient. I didn't believe him. I thought you know what, this is going to be the fight of my life. Yes, but I'm gonna go get my big girl knickers on. And I did.

 

Becca 

Did you have lawyers or did you

 

Kelly thomas 

work? No, we were I was very fortunate in the UK. I got Legal Aid. Okay. Actually, at the end of my case, the law changed and it was all a whole different ballgame. i not i mean i what I did at that point, I had so much paperwork we had to prove so much and jump through so many hoops that I dedicated a very small room in my house to paperwork because I'm an incredibly organized ADHD person and I had piles and piles and piles all dated and in order and you that's how I did what I did.

 

Becca 

I did all of that and was representing myself it was a wow yeah, yeah. I wasn't even mine wasn't even to move countries although I was in another country and I was just to get through goddamn divorce. It was

 

Kelly thomas 

it was it's a lot it's a lot

 

Becca 

so you went to court you put it had the Battle of your life to be able to leave we don't need to talk about the legality of it because as you say things change and everybody's situation is completely different just because it worked for you doesn't mean it will for somebody else and vice versa. But you went through all of that you get to pack your bags you move to Dave

 

Kelly thomas 

I ran away in the night because obviously they family we're doing all sorts of things trying to get me arrested and you know, there's all this weird stuff going on the desk that the the things desperate people do to try and ruin some. So me and the children just left as soon as we got the go ahead and we got got to Australia and look, I would love to tell you that it was happy ever after we die, but it wasn't. And unfortunately, as much as I knew that man for a very, very long time I knew him from in my youth. Again, not compatible, a different incompatibility. But this time you hear

 

Becca 

it was a different kind you didn't need any look violence and economic trauma.

 

Kelly thomas 

No, he wasn't violent, but he he just didn't had what it took. You know, there's a saying that we use and it's it's, it didn't have what it takes to cut the mustard. He did not have water he he loved the idea of me and for children, but look for children are for children,

 

Becca 

pets, right? Whether you be yours or somebody else's. It's a lot

 

Kelly thomas 

there. You need things like put TVs in all of their rooms. And me and my children can have 10 TVs in a house. But we will all see on the setting next to each other watching one TV, because we're a little unit. And unfortunately, he just couldn't cope with that. And there was a series of events. And I made a decision, which I will probably regret for the rest of my life. And it was, at this point, he'd gone off to work in the mines. I was on my own with four kids. He also lied about some income and money. And I'd said to him, If I can, I will work part time I cannot walk work full time I pick my kids up from school, I take my kids to school, Johnny down the road comes round for dinner once a week. And my kids go swimming. I do. I'm a mum who I just like, Yeah, I'm very well. And that wasn't the case. And I found myself with many jobs. The kids were not coping without me. And it just started to fall apart. And I made a decision. In a head I did not talk to anybody. Basically, he we weren't getting on things were really messy. And I let my youngest son go back to my ex mother in law. It was very it was meant to be very short term. I thought I'll have a break because he was seven. So he was suffering. The other three children were old enough to get themselves to school. And yeah, I made that decision pretty much overnight with only me, myself and I to talk to. And it was hard. Yeah, it was I don't think Well, I don't think I was coping. I was in a trauma response. And I found my ex mother in law. And it was like she was jumping on a bus was like she was jumping on the number 42 bus from one state to another. And she was like, yeah, yeah, I'll be there next week. And she came, and she picked him up. And my little baby when he was seven. And within a week, I could not stop crying. I've never cried so much in my life. I was crying in my sleep, I was crying. I can only just talk about it now took me years to even talk about this stuff. I cried and cried and cried and cried so much that he said you pull yourself together or I'm sending you all back. And then I was in trauma response. So basically all fell completely apart. And I left him I had an a year of absolute hell working for jobs trying to pay for visas. I gained the right to stay here, you know, I paid for everything I got me and my children settled. It was terrible. You know, I was homeless. At one point, it was very, very chat challenging. I got us settled. And unfortunately, six months after getting settled, my oldest son became very ill. And he has been in hospital for around eight years, he has got treatment resistant schizophrenia, which is what the fall my older three children had. So that is my journey.

 

Becca 

That's a lot of just thinking through that year of struggle where you made the decision to leave the relationship. You've got three children managing four jobs. And I'm sure you're looking back now knowing that that was intense. That was quite insane. What a lot to go through. But Isn't it incredible? That we do and that we can and that you keep going look at what you've achieved now with these incredible businesses that you've started. You got through all of that, at what point do you get to give yourself a pat on the back or celebrate or just pause and say, oh my god, I got through that.

 

Kelly thomas 

It's happening now. It's, you know, quite emotional. It's just, it's just happening now. I you know, it's been around about three years that I've been able to reconnect with my youngest son that's in the UK because sadly, I planned for it to be short term, but because my eldest son became so unwell. Every time I bought a ticket to go to my youngest son. I couldn't leave my oldest son. I became a full time carer I cared for him for around three years and now he's in full time care. He's in hospital. He's been in hospital since March last March. At this point, he's usually in hospital for a year comes out for a little bit and then he has to go back again. So yeah, Look, there's very few words to articulate this stuff, the failing if I could touch you down and your listeners and your viewers to be a mother whose heart is breaking over here for the loss of a child. But then you're over here with this other boy who was out of my four children who was my A star academic son. He was the one that was on his way to being a doctor. It was incredibly bright, young man, and he has this breakdown. And he becomes speak, you can't talk or you know, he's so unwell. And you go, Okay, this boys, okay, this boy is healthy over here.

 

Becca 

Yeah. And you're being looked after by Oh, is

 

Kelly thomas 

he is might he's spent most of his time with my mother in law. And he's lived with my ex husband, unfortunately, for the last couple of years. So he's a young man, and he's living with my ex husband, who is remarried, and they have a child together. And, and it's funny, because I know he's a narcissist, I know he would be diagnosed with a personality disorder. Because I've been told by my ex mother in law, that that stuff that happened in between, but the lady that he's with now she has money, she has a great job. And so I feel there would be a dynamic shift, maybe. And that's their stuff.

 

Becca 

Yeah, yeah. What

 

Kelly thomas 

I'm trying to say is, it's not as I don't know, do I because I'm not in the house. But I'm hoping it's not as bad as it was when we were together. Yeah,

 

Becca 

I think partially, you need to trust that you've made the decision. Based on the information you had at the time, right, you You made this decision for your son giving him the best opportunity.

 

Kelly thomas 

I was in survival mode. He was some

 

Becca 

time. Yeah. You know,

 

Kelly thomas 

the seven year old to the other side of the world, and then you're not there to pick him up from school. Yeah. And you

 

Becca 

said, you've started a relation started building that relationship back up with him. Yes.

 

Kelly thomas 

So we have started to bond again over the last three years. And it is incredible, because this boy is a spitting image of me. All of my friends that listen in on the conversations and my husband, they're like Kelly's just like you. And I see my son is really quite soft. And I'm like, but I'm not soft. They're like, Yeah, you are.

 

Becca 

Beautiful.

 

Kelly thomas 

He's beautiful. And he's coming soon. He's coming in July, because he said his dad cannot control him. As soon as he's 18. He's dad can't tell him what to do. And he can't control him. And he gets to choose to come. Yeah, so he's coming. So he wasn't actually meant to come. Three years ago, but COVID happened. We had the

 

Becca 

heart must have just

 

Kelly thomas 

fell apart. I just was like, What? No. All planned. We had the flights planned. Everything was set. You know, I managed to talk to his Nan who was he was living with her. And it was all happening. And I was even gonna pay for her to call me if they said no, you know, I was like, didn't come to but yeah, it was all going out. And then COVID happened. And so I can't

 

Becca 

lie. So that's some good news. Yes. It's also heard some other great news in there. Do you want to tell us about your husband?

 

Kelly thomas 

Yes. So I have kissed a couple of Toads.

 

Becca 

About the tags now. Yeah.

 

Kelly thomas 

And I Glen and I met around eight years ago. And so one of the things I did is I started a cleaning business. And that's, that's how we met. We met through a hairdresser. We were both at this lady's house, and he was getting his hair done. And I was waiting to get my hair done. And we started talking. He was like, I need a cleaner to help we revamp my shop. I wasn't a normal cleaner. I did. I helped hoarders and I went into shops and redecorated and organized all that sort of stuff. So I helped. Yeah, yeah. And we grew this friendship, and he helped me move house and then he the flash game. He said, can I take you to Rottnest Island on my boat? And I'll go on, then. I'll allow it. Then let's go. And it just was incredible. Because I don't know if you've met anyone or you're in a relationship. And but for us, we think the same things. Congratulations. And we finish each other's sentences. We believe we've met in a past life.

 

Becca 

Well, I wanted to ask you about that because I did see that on your website saying that you've met this wonderful man that you've known each other in past lives. So what gives you that impression? Just how beautifully you connect together or is there a little bit more to that?

 

Kelly thomas 

Yeah, look, there's a few things that don't that don't matter to us. But in the beginning, I suppose I was a bit like Like there's a there's a little bit of an age gap between us. You know, my exes were all my age I dated guys that I'd known at school and that kind of thing. And there's a there's an age difference between us, but so I if I thought about that, logically, I would have thought how do we like the same music? Yeah, we like this. How is that possible? But, you know, I, when I started my business, I was, we had brought a house together, and we were living together. I become a full time carer for my son. And he, he was like, Look, you just worry about Tyler. Now what man says that a year after you've met him? No. So I'm looking after my oldest son. I've got this cleaning business. And I said to him, Look, I have this idea. I think I'm meant to be a clown called Jelly Kelly. And he just looked at me and he said, I don't know what that is. But that's you do it. Wow. I spent a year writing my first show which is called Jelly Kelly in the muffins and it's all about self love for children. It's about being strong, brave and kind. And so the first time I did the very first party, so the business is called Perth party time. We didn't call them that. The first time we go we start doing the shows. He's my roadie. And I said to him this one day I said, Do you like Are you having fun? And he said, Kelly, this is amazing. And I said, You are Mr. Glenny beam, because it's called glare. And this man is an introvert. I'm an extrovert. He's an introvert. I'm ADHD. He keeps everything level. And now we run for five and a half years, this incredibly successful entertainment business. He's now a DJ. I'm the emcee. He's now the magician in our one of our stage shows, and I'm the naughty clown who pie faces him at the end. We travel around with our show we are booked out every weekend. It's incredible.

 

Becca 

This is phenomenal. I just want to remind our listeners that you're only 42 years old and have gone through all of these experiences including building an incredibly successful business and marrying was wonderful man Glenn like

 

Kelly thomas 

very nice He's a lovely breeze

 

Becca 

you know elements were It was awful for you. You've come out the other end if you like you're living this gorgeous life now who could have predicted that?

 

Kelly thomas 

I know if you if you check out who we are and what we do we also live in a fairy tale house called Jelly Bean Manor. Is that's also a business now it's a photo shoot location and why I mentioned that at this point is because this man has let me paint colors everywhere. painted my bedroom ceiling. Coral, it's this green and you would think ooh, is that good but go and have a little look so it's it's a fairytale magical house and we're filming our kids YouTube show jelly Kelly TV here. So the business all of it is going from strength to strength. I live a fairytale life I am a real life character. And I have a message of never give up on always try your hardest. And that's what I tell children. And it's really the truth for me is love makes the world go round.

 

Becca 

Kelly Joy, thank you so much for sharing your story. I think it's so powerful. I'm really grateful that you've come on and share this. I feel like we've scratched the surface. I'm going to come back and ask you more questions on like, we'll get on the socials maybe we'll do a live together and people can ask you to if you're open to that. I'm going to link to all of the pieces in the podcast notes so you can find Kelly joy and the business Perth party time and have a look at Jelly Bean Manna lemma. Yeah. I love it. That's so good. Kelly, are there any you've just kind of wrapped up with these beautiful sayings about you know, never give up and always do your hardest hardest? Is there any other advice that you would give to anybody, like our listeners who are going through divorce at the moment and thinking,

 

Becca 

Oh my God, will it ever end?

 

Kelly thomas 

It will? It will. I have met people who have gone through big long divorces and you know, that's, that's tragic, because while they're going through, obviously, their children are on the journey to and, and the whole family. It's, you know, but for me, things do change. You know, change is inevitable. It's the only thing that we know 100% For sure. That change is coming.

 

Becca 

That's right. Kelly, Joy. Thank you so much for being here so

 

Kelly thomas 

much. Thank you

 

Becca 

Thanks for listening. I hope you took something of value out of this episode. I'm your host, Becca Maxwell. And you can find me on the web at dodivorceright.com or on Instagram at dodivorceright. I look forward to connecting with you there.